Treasures in Heaven

Aftermath

2011-03-27T21:45:00.003-04:00

I know it has been over a year since my last post. In this time, there has been so much that has happened. And to recap would take too long.

The reason for my blog absence can be brought to one instance: infidelity. Yes, you read that correctly. It was not done by me, yet it was done to me.

At no point can one prepare oneself for this. There is nothing that can possibly make you ready or able to deal with the emotions afterward. It has been just over eighteen months since I found out and there are some days that are easier than others. The most difficult part is forgiveness. How can I forgive when I am not able to put to rest the images that run through my head? How can I forgive when you refuse to talk about it? How can I forgive when I need to talk about it and have no outlet? How can I forgive..................? You can fill in the blank with whatever would hold you back. This emotion is raw. This emotion is unexpected and many times unwanted.

To say I did not see it happening or coming would be a blatent lie. In my heart, I knew what was going on. I chose to ignore it and now I get to deal with the consequences. I feel like I am traveling this road alone and I know for sure that I lost the map. In fact, I was never given one at the onset of this journey. I feel like I am forging my own path, and know that I am making wrong turns and hitting dead end streets.

I want answers. Answers that I will never get. I want to ask "Why?" and know that the answer will point to me as the reason. What did I do? What caused you to stray and look elsewhere? The answers to the last two questions will not be answered, as he does not feel he needs to answer them. His response is "I did not do this on my own". Really? Did I hold our hand and give you my blessing? I know not.

For me, infidelity is a deal breaker. My wedding vows said for better and for worse. Not until I get tired and see something else. For me, cheating is a line drawn not in #4 pencil, but in permanent marker. Once the line is crossed, getting back will be a difficult journey. My trust and loyalty have been compromised.

What am I thinking??

2010-11-18T09:31:00.002-05:00

Have you ever had one of those moments, when you look back on events in your life, and think to yourself, "what was I thinking?". I have had several of those over the last few days. Thinking back to what I thought I could accept, to what I thought would change, and then realizing that I feel as I do because I did not know what I was thinking.

Infideltiy

2010-09-21T16:59:00.003-04:00

For nearly a year now, I have been battling with the aftermath of infidelity. Trying to wade through the emotions caused by someone elses actions, the feelings of anger, hurt, mistrust and everything in between. There have been times that I thought I was dreaming the whole thing, that I would wake up and everything would be back to the way it was prior to my discovery. Each and everyday has been a battle of some kind, of trying to make it through the day without an outburst or a breakdown. And with trying to muddle through, I have missed nearly a year of my life. Of new expreiences, of new encounters, of new feelings. I have built a wall up around my heart, one to keep anyone from entering in, to see the real pain and hurt that is bundled up inside. Why? Because, somewhere along the way in my life, I was impressioned that showing emotions was equal to showing your weakness. And life experience has shown that people will maniplulate and use your weakness to their advantage. And the last thing that I am willing to do is to be mainpulated.

Yet, as I look back, I realize that I was. I was manipulated into thinking that forward progress was being made, that everything was working out, that my marriage was on the mend, that we were able to begin to move on from our past hurts and feelings and move into the future, a future that was built upon trust. And then that day happened, when I came home from work early to find an email inbox open that I had no idea he had. To see an email from the one person that I can truly say with all honesty that I hate. And it was not only one email, it was several. And I looked at them, in disbelief at what I was seeing, and at the same time confirming my worst fear. And from there, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. I have been asking questions, only to have them played off as wanting to keep the past alive and to continue to live in it. When, in reality, all I want is the truth. I do not want to be in a relationship based upon lies and deciept. I would rather know the whole truth, in it's entirety, that to know the part and the lie that accompanies it. What more damage can be done? The one area of my marriage that I never questioned, never doubted, has now been shaken, has been destroyed.

And this leaves me with the question, of how to move forward. How do I rebuild the trust and faith that I had in my husband? How can I trust him when he lied to me for so long? And lied to me after I found out? And continues to lie about it, to lie about the affair that he had. I, as a human being, am having trouble getting to the next step when it feels that every time I begin to make that step, that something happens to make that step be in vain. That one more 'thing' comes up to make me recoil and take refuge inside the wall that I have built.

I've had other women tell me that you will learn to live with it. That I will one day be able to move on, that it will be in the past. But how? When? When does this happen? How does this happen? How does one person try to make a relationship that they, in this case, me, thought was built on a strong foundation of trust and faith and rebuild it? How can I make it strong again? I know that I cannot do this on my own. That it takes both of us to do so. He has said that he wants it to work, yet I see him waiting for me to make the next move. I am not the one who moved in the first place. I did not take that step over the line, I did not hold his hand all the way and say go ahead.

For me to say that I have not entertained the thought would be a lie. For me to say that I do not find other men attractive, would be a lie. I do know where the line is. It is not a line drawn in #4 pencil, one that can be easily erased. It is drawn with a permanent marker, inches wide, one that cannot be erased. In fact, my line is also a wall. If I get to near it, I trip and am reminded of the vow that I made before God on September 25, 1993. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do we part. I made a vow for the rest of my life, to spend it with one person.

2010-05-02T21:59:00.002-04:00

Really?? This is what I was thinking as I was reflecting on the past week. Really??
I was caught off guard by many things this week. It seems that the simple tasks go overlooked and the difficult ones forgotten. Really?? Once again, this came into play.
This mind set of mine is one that has been occurring at a rapid pace lately. As I stand back and look around, as I observe, really?? I mean, what are you thinking? Are you thinking you are the only one on earth? Are you the only person who needs to get somewhere on the road? Are you the only person who needs that item on the shelf, so you block the aisle to prevent anyone else from getting by or even looking? Are you so caught up in yourself that you expect everyone around you to bow down and kiss your feet? Are you so important that all need to stop and look and direct their attention to you?
NO!!!! You are not. You are not the only person on te face of the earth. You are not that important that we all need to bow down to you and kiss your feet.
Get over yourself.

Who's afraid of the big, bad wolf??

2010-03-29T20:39:00.003-04:00

Who's afraid of the big, bad wolf? Well, I for one am. I have met many wolves in my years and have not recognized them at the onset.
One thing I have learned is the the wolf comes at you in many different disguises. We all know that he tries to dress up as Grandma to trick Little Red Riding Hood and that he also dresses in sheep clothing to deceive those seeking the Lord. The wolf also comes dressed in a suit and tie, or a suit and heels. The wolf also comes dressed in khakis and a polo shirt, as well as designer jeans and t-shirts. There is not a disguise that he has not donned and I can pretty much guarantee that each and every one of us has had their own encounter with the wolf. And have been more than upset when discovering the truth of the person standing before you, the person that you trusted and believed in, that you would have laid down your truth and life for. This person can be your spouse, your best friend, your brother or sister, your boss, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your coworker, your pastor. The guise of the wolf is not limited. He can become anyone he pleases to be. I am saying he, as the wolf is also known as the enemy.
The wolf comes in sheep's clothing, which begs me to ask, does it ever get itchy? Does the wolf ever want to shed his disguise? Does the wolf ever want to be free from his deceit? If we look further, the answer is no. The wolf will do whatever he needs to do to dupe you, to trick you, to mislead you.

Politics?? Change??

2010-01-27T22:08:00.002-05:00

This is a subject that I tend to keep my opinion to myself. Tonight, I am sitting in my humble abode, listening to the State of the Union address. I am trying to decipher what is being said, knowing the truth on many of the subjects with which our president is speaking. And knowing these truths, I find it hard to trust our president.
Tonight he spoke of keeping negotiations out in the open. What I see is a president talking out of both sides of his mouth. The whole health care reform has taken place behind closed doors, with secret meetings, meetings taking place late at night or very early in the morning. I know this is part of 'politics', however, when you promise the American people that you are going to do something, you need to do it.
And our president touts his promise for change. Change? How many of us cringe when we hear the word change? Yet, the majority of Americans, those of us who despise change and abhor having to change, voted for change. I'd like to ask those of you who voted for 'change', what do you think of the change now? Are you still jumping for joy and partying at the fact that your change is now in office? Have you seen the change that you were looking for?
Speaking of the change you were looking for, did you start with looking in the mirror? That is where change begins. Not with electing someone who promises change into office. This is politics, and until we stand up and say no more, nothing is going to change. Things will continue, change will not happen. Your problems are not caused by what our president decides. Your problems are caused by poor decisions on your part, but that requires looking at yourself, which is something too many of us are too afraid of doing. That would require change.

Letting go of a dream

2009-10-15T21:16:00.002-04:00

Have you ever gotten to a point in life when you realize that the dreams you once had are gone? That you have had to give up on what you dreamed of since you were a small child?
Today was one of those days for me. It was one that started full of hope and anticipation, and was quickly interrupted by reality. Many of us dream of being appreciated and loved for who we are, where we are, not who we were or where we have been.
From the time I was a small child, I have always dreamed about being with the one person who would love me where I am, regardless of what I am going through. Someone who would love me whether on the up or down and anywhere in between. This dream has long been shattered, as who I am is not as important as what I am or where I have been or what I do. The saying you do not know what you have lost until it is gone has been my life long motto. So many people have said this to me.....I did not realize all that you did; all of your hard work is so missed now that you are gone; I did not know what I had until you were gone. How many times have you heard this from people in your past? I say past, because that is what this is about. Many people do not realize how important you are or the gifts that you have to offer until you are gone.
Several weeks ago I decided to leave the last twelve years behind me and move on into a new chapter in my life. Today, I realized how much I did and also that my contributions and value were not appreciated until today. And yet it seems too late for me....it seems that how I feel inside has been put into remission or hiding for so long, that I do not really know who I am or where I am. For so long I valued other people's opinions of who I am and the value that I felt I was worth came from other people. I have been so wrong about this. My value comes from God and what He thinks of me. I know in my deepest being that I am better than what I feel I am. That I am valued and appreciated far more than any human being can ever relay. Yet, yes there is a yet, I long for knowing how much I am appreciated and loved while here on earth.
For most of my life, I have fought for the love and affection of the people around me. I need their approval and acceptance to feel better about who I am. Right now, I am feeling pretty low and unappreciated and unloved. And no matter where I turn around me, I am not seeing the love and acceptance that God has for me. I am not seeing the love of God though other people. Yes, I feel alone and cold right now. At times, I have felt that if I disappear, will anyone notice? Yeah, that is pretty low. I have had many things dealt to me within the last few weeks that have cut me to the core and made me question my value and worth in the world. Perhaps at some later time I will go into them, but for now, no.
So, the dream I have let die - being loved for who I am, where I am, unconditionally. I know this is not too much to ask. If I am up or down or somewhere in between should not affect this love. I am who I am, regardless of where my emotional state is. My heart longs for this love. My heart knows that this love is real. My heart has given this love. My heart is longing to feel this love.
Letting go of a dream......some are easier than others. This one is not going down without a fight. My heart knows this love is real. My heart knows..........

Life Begins.............

2009-09-06T23:01:00.003-04:00

Life is just too short to live under your past, under your hurts, habits and hang-ups. It's even shorter when you try to make others live under there with you.
I've had the greatest joy of going through this - on both sides. You may ask how can it be a joy? It is not, at the time. It is actually quite frustrating and defeating, on both sides. For years, I tried to keep the people around me under me, under my hurts, my habits and my hang-ups. To boil it down, I tried to keep them down, keep them from succeeding in areas I knew, or thought I knew, I would not succeed. Looking back, I was miserable, to put it lightly. I was always trying to put the blame for everything on someone else. I never had anything to do with where I was in my life or how I got there. I was not the one making the decisions, it was always someone else forcing me to do so. At least, this is how I thought at the time. I can now see that I had a huge role in my life, that I had a huge responsibility in my life. That the one person I needed to listen to, I was running away from. I needed a reality check and I needed to look up. I was running from God, thinking I could do my life better, that I could do it all better. Yeah right. Like I said, a reality check was in order for me. This check did not happen immediately in all areas of my life, it began gradually, because as we know, God works with us, giving us what we can handle and no more. Over the years, I began to see myself and did not like what I was seeing. I did not like being the Marlin from Finding Nemo. And that is who I was, and was working my way at becoming a lifetime member of the pessimist club. I can say that Finding Nemo was my wake up call, my reality check on life.
How can a movie, a Disney movie at that, make such an impact? Ask God, He knew it would and He put me where He needed me to make an impact on my life. He knew what I needed and He gave it to me. Over the years, there have been instances when I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God was standing right next to me, that He was holding my hand and walking with me through my challenges and trials, and that He was there with me celebrating my victories.
One of my greatest victories occurred on April 29, 2007. On this day, I truly became born again. Yes, I am born again. Yes, I am proud to be born again. I was baptized on this day. It was my decision, not my family, not my friends, it was my decision. It was between me and God. I followed His guide and what a day it was. I was nervous and excited, not knowing what I was about to go through. Here is what I remember: Climbing down the stairs into the pool and getting into place. Up until this point, everything seemed normal. Then Pastor Buddy asked my name. At this point, I found it difficult to breathe. My hearing started to become muffled and my sight was becoming tunneled. I do not remember going under the water. I do remember coming out. At this point, I was breathing freely and my sight and hearing were restored. Many of you already understand what happened here. For those who do not, the old Jen died at that moment. I became born again with Jesus Christ.
Why do I tell you this? Because it was during this time that I began to attend Celebrate Recovery. I began to work on myself. This was the first time in my life that I had taken the initiative to work on the inner Jen, the real Jen, the God-created Jen. It was during this process that I began to see who I was and why. What was making me the way I was. And during this process, I was able to rid myself of some of my hurts, habits and hang-ups. It is a continual process, as God does not give us more than we can handle and He does not expect us to work on more than we can accept. There are still areas of me that are a work-in-progress. I am glad to say that. I will not be perfect on this side, I can only strive to be the best and to be the person that God created me to be.
God has created all of us. He created each of us with purpose and meaning. When we begin to see that, to understand that, life begins to take on a different purpose and meaning.
Do I know what will come of my life? Where I will go? No, and I do not want to know. Life is beautiful, all of life. And I know that I want to live my life, celebrate my life. And the best way that I know how is to do so with God. I know that He is on my right and left shoulders, talking to me each and every step of the way. I just need to listen and obey. This is when life begins, when we die unto ourselves and live for Him.

Step 4

2009-08-26T13:25:00.003-04:00

The last week has been one of turmoil and emotional upset. And it has been during this time that I have been able to draw closer to God. Feeling His presence in my life, His arms around me giving me comfort when there are none here on earth to do so. It is truly amazing.
As some know, I have been a facilitator for Celebrate Recovery for over two years now. It has been one of the most humbling and inspiring things I have ever done in my life. To see life change from the program, words cannot truly express. I know about the change because it happened to me too. The mismatched baggage that I was carrying around for so many years wore me down. It is hard to juggle so many bags, and not having a matching set, well, that is just a fashion faux pas.
When I first went through all of the steps, I can remember step 4. Step 4? A searching and fearless moral inventory of my life? What??!! I can remember being fearful of doing this. I did not want to start, because in my mind I thought less of myself, felt that I was not worthy of what God had planned for me. Then I began to write down some of my past, my inventory. I tried to keep it balanced, between the good and the bad, just somehow it was easier to remember the bad. Then one day, it hit me. The greatest good that I had done for myself was to walk through the doors of Celebrate Recovery. After going through the lessons for step 4, I can across this: "No one's inventory (life) is flawless. We have all 'missed the mark' in some area of our lives. In recovery we are not to dwell on the past, but we need to understand it so we can begin to allow God to change us. Jesus told us, "My purpose is to give life in all its fullness" (John 10:10, TLB).
So yeah, I knew I had missed the mark in several areas of my life and continued to beat myself up for shortcomings and bad decisions in my past. What I did not realize is that these were in my past and I was the one who was keeping them alive and current. By doing step 4, I was able to free myself of the guilt that I carried around. I also began to truly understand where I was in life and why. I was able to honestly look at myself and I began to understand myself. I began seeing myself not through my own eyes, but through God's eyes. And who I began to see was someone totally different than what I had been envisioning for so long.
So, why did I go to Celebrate Recovery? I was hurt, so I hurt. I knew that I needed to heal the right way, not society's way. I knew that God was able to heal me and I needed His guidance and direction. Am I healed? In some ways, yes. In others, I am still working. I will always be in recovery and I am okay with that. It is through Celebrate Recovery that I have been able to find out who I truly am. I am God's child and He will never leave me or forsake me. Knowing this, how can I not forge on ahead, regardless of the circumstances that life may throw at me? I AM GOD'S CHILD!!!!

My new guardian angel

2009-06-04T09:36:00.003-04:00

This past week has been a difficult week for me. On Tuesday morning, my aunt passed away. She was a woman of strength, courage and love. She left an everlasting impression on all she met. She lived life to the fullest and loved those around her. She never had a bad word to say about anyone or anything. She always found the good in every situation. She was a light in the darkness. She encompassed the commandments of Jesus Christ, she loved the Lord, her God, with all of her heart and she loved others as she loved herself.
She was the silent driving force behind me. When I was a child, she would watch my brother and I, along with her four children. She was more than an aunt to me, she was like a second mother. She was always there for me, pushing me to do better, knowing I could do better. I remember her taking the time to help me prepare for my sequential math 1 regents exam. I was struggling with this class and there was the chance that I would fail and not be able to move on. So, for two weeks, every night, she sat with me and worked with me. Needless to say, I got the second highest score on the regents exam, surprising not only myself, also my teacher (his comments are for another post). And then as an adult, she was always encouraging, uplifting, and joyous. When I came back to church, she was there, waiting, with open arms. We worked together on several church matters and during this time, she saw me go through struggle after struggle that no person should have to endure. During my struggles, I knew that I was being shaped and molded for a reason and purpose. I remember talking with her about this, and to my surprise, she told me that I was so much farther along on my walk with Christ to be able to see this and that it inspired her. I inspired her? I was shocked and speechless.
I did leave that church, in search of a closer relationship with Jesus Christ, where I was free to worship and discover Him in my own ways. Not once did she scorn me or guilt me. She loved me for me. She encouraged me to continue on, to continue with my walk, to know Christ. I can honestly say, when I was in her presence, I was with Jesus Christ. She modeled her life after Him, and she lived it out every day. She is an example of Jesus Christ living in this world.
A few years ago, she was diagnosed with melanoma. Many of us know what this is and for those of us who do not, just ask. She thought she had beaten it, it only returned, over and over again. She fought a good fight and lived life to the fullest. She lost her battle with cancer on Tuesday morning. Her children and loving husband were there with her when she went home. I know the pain that they feel and the loss that they have endured.
My aunt will forever be in my heart. When my mom died, I would tell people I always knew I had a guardian angel, it is now that I know what she looks like. I now have another guardian angel and she is beautiful.
I love you Aunt Janet, I miss you and I will see you when it is my turn to come home.

God's grace in action

2009-05-27T21:09:00.002-04:00

I am currently sitting in my living room, listening to great music coming from my office. As I look into my office, I see two of the greatest men in there, playing and enjoying music. It makes me feel special to know both of them. One is my husband, the other is a great, great friend, the kind you long for and rarely find. I am very, very blessed. Watching the two of them interact is heart warming, knowing of their love for God and for using their gifts to bring glory to God, how could I not feel this way? They both love God and want to give their best to Him. I love that in both of them, their passion and fire for God, their desire for greatness for God. I am grateful to know such men and fortunate and extremely blessed to call one my husband and the other my friend, my brother in Christ.
Seeing how God has brought us together, how God has brought people into my life, is extraordinary. And I am not referring to just any person, but the people that God needs me to have in my life. The ones that will keep me on the right path, walking toward Him and keeping me looking ever upward. People who love me for who I am, not for some expectation or certain condition that I need to meet. People who show me God's love and grace. I have so many people in my life right now that are from God and to name them all, well, let's just say it would take some time. I am grateful for each and everyone. I thank God for you each day, to have the opportunity to have you in my life, to be blessed by you. Thank you!!!

What is 'it'? (part 2)

2009-05-20T13:30:00.001-04:00

So, I've been thinking about this whole phrase "bring it". Now, I am sure if I was privy to the original conversations, I would know exactly what 'it' is, however, I was not. Still, using the word 'it' to describe something that you do not know much about is pretty inane.

And now I am beginning to see a whole other 'it'. An 'it' that involves one's personal attitude and opinion. So, when being told to bring 'it', they do. They have their opinion and attitude present and accounted for.

I have had some time to reflect on the whole 'it' thing, and quite honestly, I am still disgusted and perplexed at the same time. Like I said earlier, if I was privy to the first 'it' conversation, then I would know exactly what 'it' is. However, I was not, so I am left pondering and searching for 'it'. My searching and pondering has opened a sort of Pandora's box for me. And I do not like Pandora's box, because you never know what you are going to find, and usually it is not good. Well, this whole 'it' thing had been one that has resulted in good conversation, and heated ones at times. I have found that 'it' touches on several nerves. Now if 'it' is touching on a nerve, 'it' must be hitting a spot of heated contention and debate. Does the person with whom 'it' is a hot topic really understand 'it'? Or, have they twisted, contrived and diluted 'it' to fit into their own personal agenda? And when challenged about 'it', when they know how diluted their 'it' is, they become defensive and maladjusted. They act out in ways that are inappropriate and ungodly.

I have had time to reflect and to observe. Something I like to do is watch and listen to the people around me. I discovered that the 'it' in question is not about God, 'it' is about themselves. They are trying so hard to disguise their 'it' and put a Godly label on 'it', that they have forgotten what the original 'it' is. Their 'it' has become so engulfed and entrenched with their own ideals, opinions and attitudes, that 'it' is no longer recognizable. They have become so focused on pushing their 'it' onto someone else, to get them to bow to their pressure and ideals, that they have forgotten their real reason for being here in the first place.

Simply put, we are here to glorify God. Simple in words, difficult in practice and theory. We may try, at times, to glorify God, but we fall short. We start of with good intentions and then we begin to fall away, we become proud and self-sufficient. We begin to think that we have it all figured out and go on our own, leaving behind the reason for all that we do. We have become that which we have been trying to battle and defeat.

A few years ago, I saw a great saying on a billboard. It said " You must be the change that you want to see." Yes, it all starts with me. Self-centered, yes. God-centered, yes. How can it be both? Well, we need to search ourselves and look at our own intentions and reasons for doing what we do, for our 'it'. Are we trying to change those around us so we do not need to change, so we do not need to face our own issues? Are we trying to do the right thing, follow God's will for us and for our lives? How do you know the difference? By going to God, asking for His will for your life and the knowledge and courage to carry out His will. But how will I know? It takes not only the time to ask, it also takes the time to listen. Yes, listen. To pause and listen. Take a breath, slow down and stop for a moment so you can listen. Turn off the cell phone, log out of Facebook, turn off the television, put down all of the distractions around you and find that one place you can go to, the place where you can find peace. This is where you will hear God. And God will let you know His will and He will give you the courage to carry it out. God will give you the real 'it'.

What would happen if.....?

2009-05-19T21:53:00.006-04:00

As I was cleaning out an old briefcase, I came across this piece of paper with the following written on it:
What would happen if all Christians lived in the fullness of the Holy Spirit?
So, that got me thinking, what would happen? What would the world look like? What would it feel like? It would be like the Sermon on the Mount, Matthew 5-7. It is well worth reading, digesting, knowing, and most of all, living.
I know, there are a myriad of excuses for not being able to live as Christ commanded us to live. Think about this. We are able to live abundantly today because of the sacrifice that Christ made. He made this sacrifice for you and for me. He died on a cross, He was beaten, scorn, and shamed, all for us. I think of the scene in The Passion when Christ was being beaten, and it gives me chills. I've seen the movie only once, yet I already knew every scene. I already knew that Jesus Christ died for me, that He was beaten, scorn and shamed, for me. Knowing all of this, how can I make any excuse for not living as He has commanded me to? How He has told me to live? How He has called me to live? How can I be so selfish, self-centered and egotistical? How can I? How can you?
Once again, the myriad of excuses comes into play. They come to stake their claim. They give a good argument and put up a good fight. Yet, they all seem to fall short, very short. They mislead you into believing that you can do it on your own. Who gave you the ability, the talent? They mislead you into thinking that you are a rock, a pillar, that you have all of the strength and courage you need to stand on your own. Who gave you that strength and courage?
Life is already difficult. We have made it more so. We over analyze, over theorize, over everything. We think that the way it was done can be done better. We think too much, we analyze, deduce, reduce everything we do.

Missing Mom

2009-05-08T21:15:00.005-04:00

July 9, 1997 is a day that will forever be ingrained into my memory. It started as many mornings had for the past few weeks, checking in with my mom to see how she was doing. This day was different. I knew that her final days were here. But, even knowing this, I was not prepared for the words that I heard. When I called, her sister answered and said that she was not doing good and that I needed to get there right away. This was at 8:30 in the morning. Over the next few hours, I watched my mom lay peacefully in her bed, by the windows overlooking the lake. She had this look of contentment and happiness. She knew she was going home and that her battles here on earth were soon to end. Even in the middle of one of my biggest tragedies, I was witnessing one of God's miracles.
At 12:15 my dad arrived at her house. (Yes, they were divorced and got along better apart than together.) My mom waited for my dad to arrive, to know that her children would be protected, that their father was there for them. After she heard his voice, she went home. I will forever remember the peace and smile on her face. She was beautiful, she is beautiful.
As I mentioned, I was witnessing God's miracle here. I know this with every fiber of my body. About 15 minutes after she died, her two dogs (which were quite crazy and unruly) and her cat, were all sitting next to the chair by her bed, looking up at the same location, following, in unison. She was saying goodbye.
Over the years, I have had moments that are unexplainable. I have had moments when I know that she is here. She will always be with me, alive in my heart and my memory. She shaped who I am today and supported me unconditionally (even thought I did not come to know this until shortly before her death). She loved me for who I am, not who she expected me to be. She admitted her mistakes with me and our relationship grew stronger and more open. She was my mom and my best friend.
This Mother's Day, I am having a hard time. So, I have decided that I am going to her grave, to introduce my son to her. She would have loved my son more than her own kids and he would be so very spoiled. She did not get the chance to hold him, to embrace him and bestow him with love that only she could give. I know it will be an emotional day.

Who Rules? God or Self?

2009-04-29T20:52:00.004-04:00

Who rules your life - self rule or God rule? Do you follow your own rules, do your own thing? Or, do you follow God's rules?
Here are some emotions that go along with self rule: frustration, bitterness, hatred, anger, jealousy, envy, sickness and death. Hmm, have you felt these? Yes
And, here are the ones that follow God rule: love, joy, peace, gentleness, meekness, right-ness, health and life. Hmm, have you felt these? Once again, yes.
The last few weeks, I have felt myself being pulled between the two. My heart's greatest desire is to follow God's rule at all times, regardless of the self rule. To hear God say "Well done good and faithful servant." And then there is the self rule. My self rule, it tries so hard to keep me down, to keep me boxed up and caged in. This is where my biggest battle ensues.
A few years ago, I did an intense bible study of Sermon on the Mount (which is my absolute favorite part of the bible!!). So, I went back to my notes and study guides. There are many words that popped of the pages at me, and this is one of the first - "The disciple of Jesus "must" utterly deny, disown, and crucify (nail to an execution stake) "self". Yes, I must deny, disown and crucify the self. Why? Why must I crucify the self? It is the self that is my greatest enemy and is the source of all that is wrong with me. That is why. The self must be dealt with before my discipleship can be genuine, without hypocrisy, pretense and shame. The self is the source (instrument) of all my sin.
Who rules my life: God or self? Am I self-centered or Christ-centered? Which rules my life, flesh or spirit? How I would love to say that it is always the Spirit, God, and Christ. I cannot say that without being full of pretense and hypocrisy. On a daily basis, I must deny the 'self' and accept the reality of my own fault(s). I must continually examine myself, see my faults, and confess my faults. It is by this daily examination that I will be able to be set free. By turning the self over to God daily, I can be set free from what condemns me and holds me back from being all that God created me to be.
To be a true disciple, to be a genuine disciple, calls for genuine decisiveness. Which are we, the old or the new? The old, self-dominated, or new Christ-dominated? When we continue to examine and confess or faults, we can be set free. When we continually go to God with our faults and give Him our self, we are set free. When we follow His rule, we are free. With the 'end' of our struggles, comes our 'beginning'.

Friends..........

2009-04-27T08:10:00.001-04:00

This past weekend has been one of the best weekends I have had in a long, long time. Perhaps, one of the best thus far in my life. I was blessed to spend a weekend with friends, friends that are more than friends, friends that are family, friends that I would lay my life down for.
In previous posts, I have spoken about my spirit dancing. I now know why it does. It dances when it is joyous and happy, and it feels this way when I am with my friends, when I am enjoying life, as it is, where it is. It is quite the revelation when you first realize what makes you happy and brings you joy. I do not have to go anywhere special or do anything special. I can sit on my couch, or theirs, and enjoy the time spent with them. The face to face time, the real conversations, the honesty, being able to be real, these are just a few of the things that mean so much to me.
For so many years, I took my friends for granted, always thought that they would be there. I have had friends for a season and when that season ended, so did the friendship. I have had many that were like this, making me gun-shy and not wanting to reach out. The pain of finality and rejection was very hard to bear and the coping skills were not truly developed or shown. The examples that I had were not stellar nor were they encouraging. Now, as I am an adult, I am learning those skills.
One of the best lessons that I have learned is listening. Listen before speaking, listen before responding, listen. Be still and listen. We have all had times when we needed the shoulder of a friend to get us through one of our trials. And it is during this time that we can excel and be that friend, that we can show them love and compassion, that we can shine.

What is 'it'?

2009-04-20T08:52:00.006-04:00

What is "IT"?
At church, we are told to bring 'it'. Which got me thinking, is the 'it' they are referring to God? If 'it' is, they, need to step back and rethink how they approach Him. I do not recall ever reading or seeing God being referred to as 'it'. The Bible does not refer to God at 'it', then why do 'church people' refer to Him as 'it'?
Let's look at this for a moment, and let's think about those who call God 'it'. We all have someone around us who does this. They try to sell you on 'it' and get you all excited and pumped up for 'it'. They come back from conferences and meetings all excited about 'it'. Then, they take on the job of selling you 'it'. Once again, what is 'it'? Is 'it' a feeling? Is 'it' a place? Is 'it' a person? Is 'it' some thing? I cannot help but think that the 'it' they are referring to is God and something deep inside gets offended. I cannot find in the Bible where God is referred to as 'it'.
So, why do these people continually talk about bringing 'it'? I can theorize and hypothesize about this, but I think it comes down to something so simple, respect and honor. They lack the respect and honor for God to call Him by His name. Instead, they boil it down and rename God, 'it'. How dishonoring, how disrespectful. I know that if I was referred to as 'it', I would be less than pleased and honored. I am a person. I am a woman. I have a name, My name is Jennifer Jean. Call me 'it', and you lose my honor and respect.
How can those who refer to God as 'it' be giving Him the honor and respect that He deserves? How can we, who see through their insecurities, give them honor and respect? If they cannot honor and respect the One who has given them everything they have, how are we supposed to give them honor and respect?
God gave us His only Son. We are commanded to respect and honor Him. When we dilute all He has done and begin referring to Him as 'it', we have reduced Him. We have taken Him out of the equation and replaced Him with 'it'. And, if we replace God and make Him an 'it', what else are we selling short and cutting short? What other areas of our life are we denying and blocking?
If 'it' refers to energy and enthusiasm for the Lord, let's say what we mean. Let's not abbreviate and lessen what we mean. Let's speak what we mean. If I were to tell you to bring 'it', you would look at me like I was some sort of freak and ask for clarification. Especially those of you who know me. If I want you to bring something, I will specifically state what I need you to bring.
When our leaders ask us to bring 'it', and we fail to do so, then the failure falls upon them and their inability to clarify their 'it'. Rather than ask you or me to bring 'it', ask us to bring our best. Ask us to be prepared and ready for the job or task with which we are being asked to do.Now, if we do not bring our best and do our best, we also need to evaluate ourselves as well. We shoulder some of the responsibility too. When we are serving our Lord and we fail to do our best and bring our best, we fall short and dishonor God. We are not being the light that He has called us to be. This does not lessen the responsibility that our leaders have to us. After all, if you want those following you to succeed, you need to succeed as well, you need to lead by example. And that example does not mean following some textbook or thesis on the subject. It means leading by example. Those who you are in charge of are going to be no better than you. So, if you are looking at those following you, and realize that they are not performing up to par, first go and look in the mirror. It is here that you can get to the heart of the matter.

More on 'it' coming later...................

BUSY - Being Under Satan's Yolk

2009-04-17T20:47:00.000-04:00

I'm continuing on with my last post, as it seems so poignant and timely and has been on my heart.

BUSY - Being Under Satan's Yolk
The more we take on, the more we do, the more that the enemy takes, the more we allow him to take. We do more, society thinks we have accomplished more, we think we are doing more, getting more. We strive to get that promotion at work, we work harder and longer hours, sacrificing our friends, family and personal lives. We get the promotion and continue working harder, continue sacrificing. We use work as an excuse to not engage in our life, to escape from our life. We have made our work our life. Work is just on of the many vices that we cling to, to escape from our lives or that we believe is our life.
What happens when the work is no longer there? What happens when you are forced to not work, to take a break, to pause? At times, my life has been unbearable, overwhelming. I tended to ignore some of the obvious things in my life, more importantly, I ignored myself. I defined myself by my success, by my work. Only to discover that it can all be taken away so quickly. And I was left standing alone, spinning in circles, wondering who I am, where I am going, what I am doing.
The last few years, I have put my heart and soul into working, into trying to further a business that in constant competition for me. I have sacrificed who I am and what I believe in to get the business further along. The last few months have been an awakening for me. I have taken the time to reflect and to ask questions about myself. I have discovered that I was chasing the mystical unicorn, striving for something that I would not be able to reach and made myself believe that I could get there on my own power. How silly of me and how silly that I would actually think that way. That mystical unicorn is gone and I am realizing that my hard work and effort has been under false pretense. I have made myself busy for someone else, for something else. And realizing that has been a great awakening for me.
At times, I still feel like I am spinning in a circle and looking for a way off the ride. And there are times of clarity along the way. Moments when the ride seems to stop and I can see clearly and the path which I need to take is clear before me. These moments, this clarification, happens when I pause, when I stop. When I stop being busy.

Dancing Spirit Battle

2009-04-13T17:24:00.006-04:00

Dance, dance, dance. How do you quiet your spirit when all it wants to do is dance? Should you quiet your spirit when it wants to dance? Should you deny your spirit the chance to dance? And, how does my spirit know how to dance, since I have never let it?
Hmmm. Interesting questions that make me ponder. A spirit that knows how to dance and has never done so before. How does this happen? This is just rhetorical, I am just thinking as I write.
I love my dancing spirit. It makes me feel like I am floating on wings of eagles, like I am soaring above what problems and trials I am experiencing right now in my life. It provides me with a moment of escape, a moment of freedom, a moment of reprieve. Life can be difficult and full of challenges and full of opportunities and gifts. It all depends on where I am looking.
I have found that when I focus on the bad and what is wrong, that is what I will encounter, the bad and wrong. Now, in the same situation, when I am focused on the opportunity and gifts, I see the opportunity and the gifts. Same circumstances, same places, different attitude and different view. When I walk with the Spirit of God and follow His steps and direction for my life, seeing the opportunity and gifts is easy. When I fall out of His Spirit, I see the bad and wrong.
In the Bible, Moses sent twelve scouts out into the Promised Land. Ten returned and were afraid, they were fearful, they doubted. Two, Joshua and Caleb, returned full of optimism in the promise of the Lord. They walked with the confidence of the Lord, with His promise in their heart.
As I walk through my day, I struggle with this. I have God moments and I have human moments. They can happen simultaneously, which is quite confusing. I have the Spirit pushing me forward and the flesh pulling me back. I have the Spirit telling me 'yes' and my flesh telling me 'no', or the Spirit saying 'no' and my flesh saying 'oh yes'.
How do I differentiate between the two? How do I know which is the Spirit and which is the flesh? How do I know if it is my Spirit dancing or my flesh? I just do. I cannot explain it, or give some theory behind it. I just can. It takes discernment, prayer, listening, pausing. The hardest part for me is the pausing. With so much busyness in my life, it is hard to pause at times. It is hard to be silent, it is hard to listen, it is hard to pause. Discipline has helped me to pause, to stop and listen. I am no where near perfect in this, nor do I think I ever will be. I do know that I can continue to strive toward this, to keep moving forward, to keep looking up.

BUSY - Being Under Satan's Yolk.
The more that we take on, the further away from God we become.

Dancing Spirit 2

2009-04-09T21:42:00.006-04:00

A few days ago, I wrote about my spirit dancing. It is a wonderful feeling, one that makes me light up from the inside out. I am still left bewildered as to why it happens and when, who makes it happen and why.
Needless to say, it has been dancing up a storm this last week. It has made me feel good, feel loved, and feel joy. And I am not going to be shy, I have loved every minute of it. I have loved having the feeling of euphoria and joy, of being happy and joyous, of being uplifted. I feel renewed. My spiritual account and my emotional account are being filled. As a result, I am able to give and give freely and joyously.
For so long, I have been wanting to give. I have wanted to give from my heart, not from the head. For too long, I was giving from the head, which is no way to give. It is cold and lifeless. To be able to give from the heart makes me feel worthy, makes me feel better. It is not about giving to receive, it is just about giving. Giving out of the joy in my heart, giving out of the love I feel.
I'd like to say that I have figured out the source of my joy, that I have it nailed down and I go to it every day. I know some of my joy comes from being with friends, friends who share interests, friends who share of themselves, friends who are willing to take the step to be real and honest. Being around these friends makes me want to dance, and as a result, so does my spirit. And when my spirit dances, how can I feel anything but joy and happiness?

Fear's holding power

2009-04-07T08:52:00.004-04:00

In the book I am currently reading, You want me to do what? by Michael Youssef, he has brought up many points that my heart has been feeling, but I have been unable to put into words. He has also challenged me to think and to reflect.
What fear is holds you back from accepting God's challenge for your life? Self doubt, lack of self esteem and confidence, fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of ridicule, fear of........ There are so many fears that keep me from doing what God has called me to do with the life He has given me.
When I was 16, sitting in my room, trying to decide what to do for the rest of my life (sort of an oxymoron here, too young to do much in society, but old enough to decide the fate of my life), God spoke to me. He told me what I would be and what I will be. I doubted myself. And I doubted Him. I told Him I was not the person He was looking for, that He must be mistaken. His response, "I will be back my child".
At the time, I did not realize what was truly happening. I cast it off as some dream or illusion in my head. Why? Because of my low opinion of myself, my lack of self-worth, my general lack of belief in myself. How could I have been so down on myself, not have confidence in myself when God did and does? I think a little history might be needed here.
I am the oldest of two and the only girl. I was treated differently than my brother and the expectations for me were high. I excelled at most everything I did, and there were times that I needed the extra help to do so. I pushed myself hard to accomplish many of my achievements in school. Dean's list, President's list, AP courses, top 10% of my class, yet, it was never enough for my family. They always expected more, more from me. I was not respected or honored in my home growing up, so I never knew what it was, how to give it or how to receive it. As a result, my self image was poor. My nicknames growing up were shamoo, helicopter hips, tank, or whale. As a result of this, I have struggled with my self image and my self worth. How could I be worth anything if my family felt I was worth nothing? Hard, harsh reality.
So I doubted myself and I doubted God. Why would He call on me? Why would He want to use me? Why would He want me? It was all about me at the time. Not realizing that there is a bigger picture, one in which I am a part of. One in which, if I do not take part, the picture is not complete.
And even knowing this today, I still allow my fear and doubt to keep me frozen, to keep me from advancing. Fear is a natural reaction, yet I have allowed my fear to take hold. I have allowed my fear to control me.
So what is stopping me, holding me back from God's challenge for my life? I am. I need see myself as God sees me, not as society does. I need to see the goodness and greatness that He has for me, not what I have envisioned for myself. I need Him, more of Him.

Dancing Spirit

2009-04-06T09:59:00.004-04:00

Have you ever had a moment when you have felt your spirit dancing? This past weekend, for the first time in many years, I felt just that. I do not know what happened, how it happened or why it happened, I just know that it did. I had a spring in my step and a smile on my face.
And now, on Monday morning, I find my spirit moping around, returning to it's typical state. I do not like this. I want it to dance and shout for joy. I want it to stand on the mountaintop and shout, to leap from mountaintop to mountaintop. It was such a great feeling, the feeling of true joy and happiness. I felt part of me returning. The part of me that I have silenced for so long. The part of me that I like, that enjoys life and embraces it.
So now, I am left asking myself what did I do different? What was different? What happened? Part of me believes that it was God showing me who I am, showing me how He sees me, letting me be free of the worldly condemnation and judgement for just a brief moment. How did He do this? Who did He put in my path to help me feel this way? I can theorize and put the weekend under the microscope, but where will that get me? I just need to enjoy the moment, cherish the time I had in the moment. And be aware of my spirit and how it dances.

Door of Hope

2009-04-04T09:18:00.004-04:00

"When we confess our sins and purge disobedience from our lives, we pass through a door of hope. We experience a new beginning in our lives. It's the beginning of a new ministry, the beginning of a new testimony, the beginning of a new life of faithfulness to God."

Michael Youssef, You Want Me To Do What?

One of my last posts talks about walking through the door that God has opened for me. I am still not there yet. However, the above passage helped me to see that I have already walked through one of God's door already. In fact, I have walked through this door every day.
A little background may be needed here. It was in 2001 that I began going back to church. I followed God's lead. He led me back to the church I grew up at. I knew people there and I was in my comfort zone, in the beginning. I knew I was where I needed to be because of God speaking to me. I was thirteen weeks pregnant when I first went back. This was my first and only pregnancy. During the sermon, I felt my son move. Every doctor and other human being told me I was wrong, that I was not far enough along to experience this. Well, during the week, I was listening to my body. I did not feel him move during the week. So, I went back to church that following Sunday and I felt him move again. At this point, I looked to God and said "Okay, you've got my attention. I am here". And that was the start to my journey.
Over the last few years, I've had many twists and turns on my journey. Some have been pleasing, others, not so much. I've been molded and shaped along the way. Regardless of the trial I was enduring, I always knew that God was going to lead me through. That His plan for my life was unfolding and I needed to follow His will. And still, I need to follow His will. He gives me hope everyday. Hope that today will be better. Hope that I today I will break free from my current trial. Hope in healing, not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well.
Hope. Hope is enough to get me through today. Hope gives me the courage to face today. Hope gives me the strength for today. Hope gives me the ability to endure, the ability to look forward. There is always hope.......

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

1 Corinthians 15:13

Carelessness

2009-04-03T14:26:00.002-04:00

Okay, I've been struggling. Then again, who is not right now? We are all in the midst of some struggle and each of us has our own ways of dealing with it.
As I was reading yesterday, I came across a statement, well, more like a whole chapter, that made me stop in my tracks. I read and re-read, over and over. It finally hit me and I could not shake how it made me feel. It was in regard to our carelessness with sin. We think we can compartmentalize our sin. And when it comes to the small sin, we really do not take the time to consider the true consequences that we will one day face. All sin that we commit is building and accruing and one day we will have to pay the price for it. And the consequences, I do not want to think about.
It was referring to hidden sin, our sinful thoughts and desires. And then went on to talk about the desires of the flesh. And how the enemy, Satan, will disguise these desires as righteous and godly. After all, Satan in crouching at the door, waiting for the opportunity to pounce. Have you ever noticed that after a great spiritual victory, when you are at the spiritual mountaintop, you encounter great adversity? Yeah, that is Satan, just waiting.
Hidden sin got me to thinking, what am I hiding? What am I hiding behind? Once again, looking upon oneself is not easy and takes great strength and courage. It takes Godly wisdom and will. If I were to say that I never think a bad thought, what a lie that would be. Remember that guy who cut me off in traffic, well, there goes one thought. Or the person who blatantly lied about me to further themselves for the moment. Yeah, there goes another one. Or the person who so rudely cut me off in the grocery store, or the person who tried to run my son over with their shopping cart, or the person who went out of their way to speak poorly and degrade of me, while I was standing there? Okay, I think you get the picture. Some of these I can let go, others, I struggle with.
Then there are other sins, the ones not seen on the outside. The hidden thoughts that go through my mind when I least expect it. The ones that try to coax me into doing something that I know is so wrong and against the word of God and His will for my life. Trying to suppress these can be difficult, as the enemy knows my weaknesses and will prey on them. He, Satan, goes for a toehold. He knows that once he has that, it is easier to move on into a foothold and then a stronghold. This is where I need to pray for God's discernment for my life and follow His will and His word. Is it easy? No, not really. It requires discipline and patience. It requires listening and waiting. Some of these I am not really good at.
Which then begs the question, how do I know when it is God's will for me? How do I know when to act? Does God come to me and say "Okay, now you can move forward"? Sometimes. Have you ever had the phone ring and it was someone you have not talked to in some time or run into an old friend? These are not coincidence. This is God working in your life, exercising His will for your life. That old friend has been where you are and offers words of encouragement. What about when you are hurting, perhaps from the loss of a loved one? All of those people who show up at the funeral to offer a kind word or a gentle hug. Yeah, that is God there with you, letting you know that He is with you, that He cares for you, that He has not forsaken you.
I know, out of the moment, it is easier to identify. When you are in the thick of it, you overlook these 'incidents'. I know that I have and I do. God is steering my life, putting people in my path for a reason. They may be there just for a brief time or stay for a lifetime. They are there to help me and perhaps I am there to help them. It is not always about me. When I am told that I have helped or inspired, I am surprised, often times shocked. Me? I've inspired you? How? Why? When? You see, you never know when or where it will happen. It just does.
So here I go, digressing from what I originally was trying to put into words. Carelessness with sin. We all need to examine our lives, put an end to our denial and turn to God. Turn to God with repentance - saying "Lord, I want to come clean. I want to live my life according to your will. I want to turn from my sin, the sin that is open and confessed and the sin hiding within. I want to turn my obedience to you Lord. And Lord, I cannot do this without You. Please help me to keep my eyes on you Lord during my times of trial and temptation. Lord, give me the strength and power to do this. I know that You are the only one who can do this!!"
We can do this quietly, or we can shout it out. Either way, we need to do this. I need to do this. And I need to do this every day - not just when I feel I should or out of guilt. It is amazing how God will work in you when you turn to Him for the knowledge and will for your life.

"Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, taking one moment at a time; accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen"
-Prayer for Serenity, Reinhold Niebuhr

Honoring Honor

2009-04-02T09:56:00.002-04:00

God honors honor. It's being said all over church right now, God honors honor.
This past weekend was about honor in the home. This hit me hard. Have I been giving honor? Have I been receiving honor? One of the most difficult things to do is to look truthfully at yourself, to take that inventory of yourself, of who you are and who you were. In order to grow, you need to look back and leave it there.
There are some things that are hard to leave behind, as the hurt and pain runs so deep. Some of the hurts are new, ones I have never encountered before. Ones that bring me into uncharted territory. At times I feel like I am out here, treading water alone. That it is hard to share how I feel with others. Some have told me that I will make it through, I am strong. Others have said I need to pray more and leave it with God. And still others have said nothing and withdrawn themselves from me. Yes, I am strong, with God. Yes, I have left it with God. Yes, I am praying more. And yes, I am reaching out for help and support.
I want to be able to honor. I need to honor, regardless of the dishonor I receive. This is so very hard to do. My selfish side says to withhold and treat them the way I am treated. Then the Godly side says to honor them, regardless of how they treat me. This brings to mind Luke 6:31, "Do to others as you would have them do to you" and Matthew 7:12, "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you."
I have the general nature to treat others with kindness and compassion. Honor them for who they are, not what I want them to be. It is easier to do this to people outside of my home. It is hardest to do within the home. And this also brings up the question, how long do you continue to honor someone who does not honor you? How long do you continue to respect someone who does not respect you? And, how do you love someone who does not love you? I've heard all of these questions before. And when I look to the Bible, I find the answers.
One of my favorite parts of the Bible, Matthew 5 - 7, Sermon on the Mount, tells us to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute you. Okay, not so easy to do. And, it tells us if someone strikes one cheek, to turn to them the other. Okay, again, not so easy to do. It also tells us not to judge others, for the same measure that you use, it will also be used against you. Ouch. How many times have I been caught in this one?
Over and over, forgiveness is spoken. Well, how do you forgive such a large hurt? How do you get to that point? I do know that forgiveness frees me from condemnation. A lack of forgiveness keeps me caged up, not the person I am unwilling to forgive. I would like to say that I have this one down and it is easy for me to do. I do not. I am human. I have moments of weakness and self-pity and sometimes like to wade in the hurt too long. It does me not good to do this, I know. Yet, at times, I find myself there. And there are other times when I push myself into forgiveness and do not allow myself to feel the emotions that go along with the hurt and the forgiveness. I have found that doing this only makes it harder later, makes it harder to forgive something little, something trivial.
So where am I with honor in the home? Not so sure. I do know that I need to work on this area. I know that I need to receive honor as well. I also know that it is hard to honor when my emotional account is extremely overdrawn. It is hard to give when there is nothing there to draw from.
I keep going back to Matthew 7:12 and Luke 6:31. I keep going back to God for His guidance and His direction, His knowledge and His will for my life. Because it is through Him that all things are possible.

Spiritual Seesaw

2009-03-31T06:31:00.008-04:00

The last few days have been an emotional seesaw for me. Up an down, up and down, over and over. It seems that when I am having a good moment, it is quickly followed by a bad, or at least it seems that way. I have become more aware of this seesaw.
When I was a child, I loved to ride the seesaw. My dad made one for my brother and I and we abused each other on it. It was great. It was John Deere green and we usually got splinters every time we rode it, but that did not matter. We would laugh and laugh until we could no longer breathe. It was great trying to knock the other one off, especially when they were up as far as they could go. It's something that siblings do, at least, that is what we did.
Now, as an adult, I still enjoy the seesaw....... at the park. The emotional seesaw is another story. I am typically upbeat, outgoing, and energetic. As of late, I am finding myself a bit more introspective, introverted, and looking within. I know this is a growing and mending process. After all, you cannot heal it if you do not acknowledge it. Or, as we say in Celebrate Recovery, you cannot heal what you cannot feel. For too long, I repressed my feelings and my emotions and did not allow myself to feel. I kept my head down and my heart quiet. I was living in the land of denial.
In this land, my feelings became disabled, I lost energy, I had no spiritual or emotional growth, I became isolated from my friends, my family and God, my relationships became weak (or I became alienated from my relationships), and it only lengthened my pain. So, why was I living here? That is a question I do not even know the answer to. I just know that it is where I existed. It was my coping mechanism. It was.
In my denial, I knew fear. The crippling, disabling, debilitating fear. I was unable to move left, right, forward or back. So, I went in circles, got dizzy and fell often. Now, I realize that my fear was a lack of faith. A lack of faith in myself and a lack of faith in God. With little faith, comes great fear. With great faith, comes little fear. As I have moved out of my denial, I still have fear. I will always feel fear. It is what I do with this fear. Do I allow it to control me, or do I use it propel myself forward? I now have courage, unlike any I have ever had before. My courage is now managed by my faith.
In the book, "You want me to do what?" by Michael Youssef, he puts it like this:
"It's not sin to experience a moment of fear when we face a genuine threat. But a pattern of habitual fear, worry and timidity will rob us of our joy and our effectiveness for God. Fear and faith are like opposite ends of a seesaw. When fear is up, faith is down. When faith is up, fear is down. The stronger our faith, the weaker and less significant our fears. Courage is not the absence of fear. Rather, courage is fear managed by faith. When our emotions are ruled by faith, fear cannot control us.....people of faith and courage do not let their fears determine their actions."

2009-03-30T20:27:00.002-04:00

"My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death." Matthew 14:34
This small part of scripture spoke to me, overwhelmed me as I read it today. Currently, I am going through a molding and breaking process. I know that as I travel through this trial and journey, that I will come through on the other side stronger and more resilient. That does not mean that as I go through this molding process that I do not despair. That my soul is not overwhelmed with sorrow, that my soul is not overwhelmed with grief, and that my soul is not sorrowful to the point of death.
The reasons why I am here are not as important as the journey that I am on. This journey will strip away parts of the old me. Ones that I, the human part of me, feel that I need, yet God knows I do not. I feel at times like cookie dough, being shaped by the cookie cutter, with the excess being pulled away. As the excess is being taken, my human side is fighting to keep it. It is like my safety blanket. And with this, I enter into the heart and mind battle. This is an overwhelming point in my life. It is like standing in a river during the spring thaw. At points you feel like you are going under and being swept away. And it is at this point, when I am at my weakest moment, this is where God comes through and shows His strength and glory.
I would like to say that it is easy, knowing that God is there and will keep me safe. It is the hardest point in my life. I have complete faith in God and completely trust Him. This is from my heart. And then enters my mind, and what a battle ensues. My mind thinks it can do it better, that it can hunker down and do it on it's own strength and might. That it can bully my heart into submission. I would be deceiving myself if I were to say that this will never happen or has never happened. It has and it will. My mind has silenced my heart for years and I have allowed it to happen. It was during this bullying from my mind that my heart began crying out, crying for recognition, crying for affirmation. My mind kept trying to keep it quite, making excuses, and lying. This is when my heart went to God, crying to Him, asking, seeking and knocking.
And now, at this crossroad, I am standing at the door that God has opened and find myself not being able to go through. I was reminded by a good friend that the most radical changes in my life will occur before I enter this door and that God will give me the strength to proceed and the courage to step forward.
So, here I am, standing in the river. Asking, seeking and knocking.