I know it has been over a year since my last post. In this time, there has been so much that has happened. And to recap would take too long.
The reason for my blog absence can be brought to one instance: infidelity. Yes, you read that correctly. It was not done by me, yet it was done to me.
At no point can one prepare oneself for this. There is nothing that can possibly make you ready or able to deal with the emotions afterward. It has been just over eighteen months since I found out and there are some days that are easier than others. The most difficult part is forgiveness. How can I forgive when I am not able to put to rest the images that run through my head? How can I forgive when you refuse to talk about it? How can I forgive when I need to talk about it and have no outlet? How can I forgive..................? You can fill in the blank with whatever would hold you back. This emotion is raw. This emotion is unexpected and many times unwanted.
To say I did not see it happening or coming would be a blatent lie. In my heart, I knew what was going on. I chose to ignore it and now I get to deal with the consequences. I feel like I am traveling this road alone and I know for sure that I lost the map. In fact, I was never given one at the onset of this journey. I feel like I am forging my own path, and know that I am making wrong turns and hitting dead end streets.
I want answers. Answers that I will never get. I want to ask "Why?" and know that the answer will point to me as the reason. What did I do? What caused you to stray and look elsewhere? The answers to the last two questions will not be answered, as he does not feel he needs to answer them. His response is "I did not do this on my own". Really? Did I hold our hand and give you my blessing? I know not.
For me, infidelity is a deal breaker. My wedding vows said for better and for worse. Not until I get tired and see something else. For me, cheating is a line drawn not in #4 pencil, but in permanent marker. Once the line is crossed, getting back will be a difficult journey. My trust and loyalty have been compromised.
