Infideltiy

For nearly a year now, I have been battling with the aftermath of infidelity. Trying to wade through the emotions caused by someone elses actions, the feelings of anger, hurt, mistrust and everything in between. There have been times that I thought I was dreaming the whole thing, that I would wake up and everything would be back to the way it was prior to my discovery. Each and everyday has been a battle of some kind, of trying to make it through the day without an outburst or a breakdown. And with trying to muddle through, I have missed nearly a year of my life. Of new expreiences, of new encounters, of new feelings. I have built a wall up around my heart, one to keep anyone from entering in, to see the real pain and hurt that is bundled up inside. Why? Because, somewhere along the way in my life, I was impressioned that showing emotions was equal to showing your weakness. And life experience has shown that people will maniplulate and use your weakness to their advantage. And the last thing that I am willing to do is to be mainpulated.

Yet, as I look back, I realize that I was. I was manipulated into thinking that forward progress was being made, that everything was working out, that my marriage was on the mend, that we were able to begin to move on from our past hurts and feelings and move into the future, a future that was built upon trust. And then that day happened, when I came home from work early to find an email inbox open that I had no idea he had. To see an email from the one person that I can truly say with all honesty that I hate. And it was not only one email, it was several. And I looked at them, in disbelief at what I was seeing, and at the same time confirming my worst fear. And from there, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. I have been asking questions, only to have them played off as wanting to keep the past alive and to continue to live in it. When, in reality, all I want is the truth. I do not want to be in a relationship based upon lies and deciept. I would rather know the whole truth, in it's entirety, that to know the part and the lie that accompanies it. What more damage can be done? The one area of my marriage that I never questioned, never doubted, has now been shaken, has been destroyed.

And this leaves me with the question, of how to move forward. How do I rebuild the trust and faith that I had in my husband? How can I trust him when he lied to me for so long? And lied to me after I found out? And continues to lie about it, to lie about the affair that he had. I, as a human being, am having trouble getting to the next step when it feels that every time I begin to make that step, that something happens to make that step be in vain. That one more 'thing' comes up to make me recoil and take refuge inside the wall that I have built.

I've had other women tell me that you will learn to live with it. That I will one day be able to move on, that it will be in the past. But how? When? When does this happen? How does this happen? How does one person try to make a relationship that they, in this case, me, thought was built on a strong foundation of trust and faith and rebuild it? How can I make it strong again? I know that I cannot do this on my own. That it takes both of us to do so. He has said that he wants it to work, yet I see him waiting for me to make the next move. I am not the one who moved in the first place. I did not take that step over the line, I did not hold his hand all the way and say go ahead.

For me to say that I have not entertained the thought would be a lie. For me to say that I do not find other men attractive, would be a lie. I do know where the line is. It is not a line drawn in #4 pencil, one that can be easily erased. It is drawn with a permanent marker, inches wide, one that cannot be erased. In fact, my line is also a wall. If I get to near it, I trip and am reminded of the vow that I made before God on September 25, 1993. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do we part. I made a vow for the rest of my life, to spend it with one person.