Have you ever had one of those moments, when you look back on events in your life, and think to yourself, "what was I thinking?". I have had several of those over the last few days. Thinking back to what I thought I could accept, to what I thought would change, and then realizing that I feel as I do because I did not know what I was thinking.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Infideltiy
For nearly a year now, I have been battling with the aftermath of infidelity. Trying to wade through the emotions caused by someone elses actions, the feelings of anger, hurt, mistrust and everything in between. There have been times that I thought I was dreaming the whole thing, that I would wake up and everything would be back to the way it was prior to my discovery. Each and everyday has been a battle of some kind, of trying to make it through the day without an outburst or a breakdown. And with trying to muddle through, I have missed nearly a year of my life. Of new expreiences, of new encounters, of new feelings. I have built a wall up around my heart, one to keep anyone from entering in, to see the real pain and hurt that is bundled up inside. Why? Because, somewhere along the way in my life, I was impressioned that showing emotions was equal to showing your weakness. And life experience has shown that people will maniplulate and use your weakness to their advantage. And the last thing that I am willing to do is to be mainpulated.
Yet, as I look back, I realize that I was. I was manipulated into thinking that forward progress was being made, that everything was working out, that my marriage was on the mend, that we were able to begin to move on from our past hurts and feelings and move into the future, a future that was built upon trust. And then that day happened, when I came home from work early to find an email inbox open that I had no idea he had. To see an email from the one person that I can truly say with all honesty that I hate. And it was not only one email, it was several. And I looked at them, in disbelief at what I was seeing, and at the same time confirming my worst fear. And from there, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. I have been asking questions, only to have them played off as wanting to keep the past alive and to continue to live in it. When, in reality, all I want is the truth. I do not want to be in a relationship based upon lies and deciept. I would rather know the whole truth, in it's entirety, that to know the part and the lie that accompanies it. What more damage can be done? The one area of my marriage that I never questioned, never doubted, has now been shaken, has been destroyed.
And this leaves me with the question, of how to move forward. How do I rebuild the trust and faith that I had in my husband? How can I trust him when he lied to me for so long? And lied to me after I found out? And continues to lie about it, to lie about the affair that he had. I, as a human being, am having trouble getting to the next step when it feels that every time I begin to make that step, that something happens to make that step be in vain. That one more 'thing' comes up to make me recoil and take refuge inside the wall that I have built.
I've had other women tell me that you will learn to live with it. That I will one day be able to move on, that it will be in the past. But how? When? When does this happen? How does this happen? How does one person try to make a relationship that they, in this case, me, thought was built on a strong foundation of trust and faith and rebuild it? How can I make it strong again? I know that I cannot do this on my own. That it takes both of us to do so. He has said that he wants it to work, yet I see him waiting for me to make the next move. I am not the one who moved in the first place. I did not take that step over the line, I did not hold his hand all the way and say go ahead.
For me to say that I have not entertained the thought would be a lie. For me to say that I do not find other men attractive, would be a lie. I do know where the line is. It is not a line drawn in #4 pencil, one that can be easily erased. It is drawn with a permanent marker, inches wide, one that cannot be erased. In fact, my line is also a wall. If I get to near it, I trip and am reminded of the vow that I made before God on September 25, 1993. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do we part. I made a vow for the rest of my life, to spend it with one person.
Yet, as I look back, I realize that I was. I was manipulated into thinking that forward progress was being made, that everything was working out, that my marriage was on the mend, that we were able to begin to move on from our past hurts and feelings and move into the future, a future that was built upon trust. And then that day happened, when I came home from work early to find an email inbox open that I had no idea he had. To see an email from the one person that I can truly say with all honesty that I hate. And it was not only one email, it was several. And I looked at them, in disbelief at what I was seeing, and at the same time confirming my worst fear. And from there, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. I have been asking questions, only to have them played off as wanting to keep the past alive and to continue to live in it. When, in reality, all I want is the truth. I do not want to be in a relationship based upon lies and deciept. I would rather know the whole truth, in it's entirety, that to know the part and the lie that accompanies it. What more damage can be done? The one area of my marriage that I never questioned, never doubted, has now been shaken, has been destroyed.
And this leaves me with the question, of how to move forward. How do I rebuild the trust and faith that I had in my husband? How can I trust him when he lied to me for so long? And lied to me after I found out? And continues to lie about it, to lie about the affair that he had. I, as a human being, am having trouble getting to the next step when it feels that every time I begin to make that step, that something happens to make that step be in vain. That one more 'thing' comes up to make me recoil and take refuge inside the wall that I have built.
I've had other women tell me that you will learn to live with it. That I will one day be able to move on, that it will be in the past. But how? When? When does this happen? How does this happen? How does one person try to make a relationship that they, in this case, me, thought was built on a strong foundation of trust and faith and rebuild it? How can I make it strong again? I know that I cannot do this on my own. That it takes both of us to do so. He has said that he wants it to work, yet I see him waiting for me to make the next move. I am not the one who moved in the first place. I did not take that step over the line, I did not hold his hand all the way and say go ahead.
For me to say that I have not entertained the thought would be a lie. For me to say that I do not find other men attractive, would be a lie. I do know where the line is. It is not a line drawn in #4 pencil, one that can be easily erased. It is drawn with a permanent marker, inches wide, one that cannot be erased. In fact, my line is also a wall. If I get to near it, I trip and am reminded of the vow that I made before God on September 25, 1993. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do we part. I made a vow for the rest of my life, to spend it with one person.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Really?? This is what I was thinking as I was reflecting on the past week. Really??
I was caught off guard by many things this week. It seems that the simple tasks go overlooked and the difficult ones forgotten. Really?? Once again, this came into play.
This mind set of mine is one that has been occurring at a rapid pace lately. As I stand back and look around, as I observe, really?? I mean, what are you thinking? Are you thinking you are the only one on earth? Are you the only person who needs to get somewhere on the road? Are you the only person who needs that item on the shelf, so you block the aisle to prevent anyone else from getting by or even looking? Are you so caught up in yourself that you expect everyone around you to bow down and kiss your feet? Are you so important that all need to stop and look and direct their attention to you?
NO!!!! You are not. You are not the only person on te face of the earth. You are not that important that we all need to bow down to you and kiss your feet.
Get over yourself.
I was caught off guard by many things this week. It seems that the simple tasks go overlooked and the difficult ones forgotten. Really?? Once again, this came into play.
This mind set of mine is one that has been occurring at a rapid pace lately. As I stand back and look around, as I observe, really?? I mean, what are you thinking? Are you thinking you are the only one on earth? Are you the only person who needs to get somewhere on the road? Are you the only person who needs that item on the shelf, so you block the aisle to prevent anyone else from getting by or even looking? Are you so caught up in yourself that you expect everyone around you to bow down and kiss your feet? Are you so important that all need to stop and look and direct their attention to you?
NO!!!! You are not. You are not the only person on te face of the earth. You are not that important that we all need to bow down to you and kiss your feet.
Get over yourself.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Who's afraid of the big, bad wolf??
Who's afraid of the big, bad wolf? Well, I for one am. I have met many wolves in my years and have not recognized them at the onset.
One thing I have learned is the the wolf comes at you in many different disguises. We all know that he tries to dress up as Grandma to trick Little Red Riding Hood and that he also dresses in sheep clothing to deceive those seeking the Lord. The wolf also comes dressed in a suit and tie, or a suit and heels. The wolf also comes dressed in khakis and a polo shirt, as well as designer jeans and t-shirts. There is not a disguise that he has not donned and I can pretty much guarantee that each and every one of us has had their own encounter with the wolf. And have been more than upset when discovering the truth of the person standing before you, the person that you trusted and believed in, that you would have laid down your truth and life for. This person can be your spouse, your best friend, your brother or sister, your boss, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your coworker, your pastor. The guise of the wolf is not limited. He can become anyone he pleases to be. I am saying he, as the wolf is also known as the enemy.
The wolf comes in sheep's clothing, which begs me to ask, does it ever get itchy? Does the wolf ever want to shed his disguise? Does the wolf ever want to be free from his deceit? If we look further, the answer is no. The wolf will do whatever he needs to do to dupe you, to trick you, to mislead you.
One thing I have learned is the the wolf comes at you in many different disguises. We all know that he tries to dress up as Grandma to trick Little Red Riding Hood and that he also dresses in sheep clothing to deceive those seeking the Lord. The wolf also comes dressed in a suit and tie, or a suit and heels. The wolf also comes dressed in khakis and a polo shirt, as well as designer jeans and t-shirts. There is not a disguise that he has not donned and I can pretty much guarantee that each and every one of us has had their own encounter with the wolf. And have been more than upset when discovering the truth of the person standing before you, the person that you trusted and believed in, that you would have laid down your truth and life for. This person can be your spouse, your best friend, your brother or sister, your boss, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your coworker, your pastor. The guise of the wolf is not limited. He can become anyone he pleases to be. I am saying he, as the wolf is also known as the enemy.
The wolf comes in sheep's clothing, which begs me to ask, does it ever get itchy? Does the wolf ever want to shed his disguise? Does the wolf ever want to be free from his deceit? If we look further, the answer is no. The wolf will do whatever he needs to do to dupe you, to trick you, to mislead you.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Politics?? Change??
This is a subject that I tend to keep my opinion to myself. Tonight, I am sitting in my humble abode, listening to the State of the Union address. I am trying to decipher what is being said, knowing the truth on many of the subjects with which our president is speaking. And knowing these truths, I find it hard to trust our president.
Tonight he spoke of keeping negotiations out in the open. What I see is a president talking out of both sides of his mouth. The whole health care reform has taken place behind closed doors, with secret meetings, meetings taking place late at night or very early in the morning. I know this is part of 'politics', however, when you promise the American people that you are going to do something, you need to do it.
And our president touts his promise for change. Change? How many of us cringe when we hear the word change? Yet, the majority of Americans, those of us who despise change and abhor having to change, voted for change. I'd like to ask those of you who voted for 'change', what do you think of the change now? Are you still jumping for joy and partying at the fact that your change is now in office? Have you seen the change that you were looking for?
Speaking of the change you were looking for, did you start with looking in the mirror? That is where change begins. Not with electing someone who promises change into office. This is politics, and until we stand up and say no more, nothing is going to change. Things will continue, change will not happen. Your problems are not caused by what our president decides. Your problems are caused by poor decisions on your part, but that requires looking at yourself, which is something too many of us are too afraid of doing. That would require change.
Tonight he spoke of keeping negotiations out in the open. What I see is a president talking out of both sides of his mouth. The whole health care reform has taken place behind closed doors, with secret meetings, meetings taking place late at night or very early in the morning. I know this is part of 'politics', however, when you promise the American people that you are going to do something, you need to do it.
And our president touts his promise for change. Change? How many of us cringe when we hear the word change? Yet, the majority of Americans, those of us who despise change and abhor having to change, voted for change. I'd like to ask those of you who voted for 'change', what do you think of the change now? Are you still jumping for joy and partying at the fact that your change is now in office? Have you seen the change that you were looking for?
Speaking of the change you were looking for, did you start with looking in the mirror? That is where change begins. Not with electing someone who promises change into office. This is politics, and until we stand up and say no more, nothing is going to change. Things will continue, change will not happen. Your problems are not caused by what our president decides. Your problems are caused by poor decisions on your part, but that requires looking at yourself, which is something too many of us are too afraid of doing. That would require change.
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