Life is just too short to live under your past, under your hurts, habits and hang-ups. It's even shorter when you try to make others live under there with you.
I've had the greatest joy of going through this - on both sides. You may ask how can it be a joy? It is not, at the time. It is actually quite frustrating and defeating, on both sides. For years, I tried to keep the people around me under me, under my hurts, my habits and my hang-ups. To boil it down, I tried to keep them down, keep them from succeeding in areas I knew, or thought I knew, I would not succeed. Looking back, I was miserable, to put it lightly. I was always trying to put the blame for everything on someone else. I never had anything to do with where I was in my life or how I got there. I was not the one making the decisions, it was always someone else forcing me to do so. At least, this is how I thought at the time. I can now see that I had a huge role in my life, that I had a huge responsibility in my life. That the one person I needed to listen to, I was running away from. I needed a reality check and I needed to look up. I was running from God, thinking I could do my life better, that I could do it all better. Yeah right. Like I said, a reality check was in order for me. This check did not happen immediately in all areas of my life, it began gradually, because as we know, God works with us, giving us what we can handle and no more. Over the years, I began to see myself and did not like what I was seeing. I did not like being the Marlin from Finding Nemo. And that is who I was, and was working my way at becoming a lifetime member of the pessimist club. I can say that Finding Nemo was my wake up call, my reality check on life.
How can a movie, a Disney movie at that, make such an impact? Ask God, He knew it would and He put me where He needed me to make an impact on my life. He knew what I needed and He gave it to me. Over the years, there have been instances when I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God was standing right next to me, that He was holding my hand and walking with me through my challenges and trials, and that He was there with me celebrating my victories.
One of my greatest victories occurred on April 29, 2007. On this day, I truly became born again. Yes, I am born again. Yes, I am proud to be born again. I was baptized on this day. It was my decision, not my family, not my friends, it was my decision. It was between me and God. I followed His guide and what a day it was. I was nervous and excited, not knowing what I was about to go through. Here is what I remember: Climbing down the stairs into the pool and getting into place. Up until this point, everything seemed normal. Then Pastor Buddy asked my name. At this point, I found it difficult to breathe. My hearing started to become muffled and my sight was becoming tunneled. I do not remember going under the water. I do remember coming out. At this point, I was breathing freely and my sight and hearing were restored. Many of you already understand what happened here. For those who do not, the old Jen died at that moment. I became born again with Jesus Christ.
Why do I tell you this? Because it was during this time that I began to attend Celebrate Recovery. I began to work on myself. This was the first time in my life that I had taken the initiative to work on the inner Jen, the real Jen, the God-created Jen. It was during this process that I began to see who I was and why. What was making me the way I was. And during this process, I was able to rid myself of some of my hurts, habits and hang-ups. It is a continual process, as God does not give us more than we can handle and He does not expect us to work on more than we can accept. There are still areas of me that are a work-in-progress. I am glad to say that. I will not be perfect on this side, I can only strive to be the best and to be the person that God created me to be.
God has created all of us. He created each of us with purpose and meaning. When we begin to see that, to understand that, life begins to take on a different purpose and meaning.
Do I know what will come of my life? Where I will go? No, and I do not want to know. Life is beautiful, all of life. And I know that I want to live my life, celebrate my life. And the best way that I know how is to do so with God. I know that He is on my right and left shoulders, talking to me each and every step of the way. I just need to listen and obey. This is when life begins, when we die unto ourselves and live for Him.
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