The last week has been one of turmoil and emotional upset. And it has been during this time that I have been able to draw closer to God. Feeling His presence in my life, His arms around me giving me comfort when there are none here on earth to do so. It is truly amazing.
As some know, I have been a facilitator for Celebrate Recovery for over two years now. It has been one of the most humbling and inspiring things I have ever done in my life. To see life change from the program, words cannot truly express. I know about the change because it happened to me too. The mismatched baggage that I was carrying around for so many years wore me down. It is hard to juggle so many bags, and not having a matching set, well, that is just a fashion faux pas.
When I first went through all of the steps, I can remember step 4. Step 4? A searching and fearless moral inventory of my life? What??!! I can remember being fearful of doing this. I did not want to start, because in my mind I thought less of myself, felt that I was not worthy of what God had planned for me. Then I began to write down some of my past, my inventory. I tried to keep it balanced, between the good and the bad, just somehow it was easier to remember the bad. Then one day, it hit me. The greatest good that I had done for myself was to walk through the doors of Celebrate Recovery. After going through the lessons for step 4, I can across this: "No one's inventory (life) is flawless. We have all 'missed the mark' in some area of our lives. In recovery we are not to dwell on the past, but we need to understand it so we can begin to allow God to change us. Jesus told us, "My purpose is to give life in all its fullness" (John 10:10, TLB).
So yeah, I knew I had missed the mark in several areas of my life and continued to beat myself up for shortcomings and bad decisions in my past. What I did not realize is that these were in my past and I was the one who was keeping them alive and current. By doing step 4, I was able to free myself of the guilt that I carried around. I also began to truly understand where I was in life and why. I was able to honestly look at myself and I began to understand myself. I began seeing myself not through my own eyes, but through God's eyes. And who I began to see was someone totally different than what I had been envisioning for so long.
So, why did I go to Celebrate Recovery? I was hurt, so I hurt. I knew that I needed to heal the right way, not society's way. I knew that God was able to heal me and I needed His guidance and direction. Am I healed? In some ways, yes. In others, I am still working. I will always be in recovery and I am okay with that. It is through Celebrate Recovery that I have been able to find out who I truly am. I am God's child and He will never leave me or forsake me. Knowing this, how can I not forge on ahead, regardless of the circumstances that life may throw at me? I AM GOD'S CHILD!!!!
