Who rules your life - self rule or God rule? Do you follow your own rules, do your own thing? Or, do you follow God's rules?
Here are some emotions that go along with self rule: frustration, bitterness, hatred, anger, jealousy, envy, sickness and death. Hmm, have you felt these? Yes
And, here are the ones that follow God rule: love, joy, peace, gentleness, meekness, right-ness, health and life. Hmm, have you felt these? Once again, yes.
The last few weeks, I have felt myself being pulled between the two. My heart's greatest desire is to follow God's rule at all times, regardless of the self rule. To hear God say "Well done good and faithful servant." And then there is the self rule. My self rule, it tries so hard to keep me down, to keep me boxed up and caged in. This is where my biggest battle ensues.
A few years ago, I did an intense bible study of Sermon on the Mount (which is my absolute favorite part of the bible!!). So, I went back to my notes and study guides. There are many words that popped of the pages at me, and this is one of the first - "The disciple of Jesus "must" utterly deny, disown, and crucify (nail to an execution stake) "self". Yes, I must deny, disown and crucify the self. Why? Why must I crucify the self? It is the self that is my greatest enemy and is the source of all that is wrong with me. That is why. The self must be dealt with before my discipleship can be genuine, without hypocrisy, pretense and shame. The self is the source (instrument) of all my sin.
Who rules my life: God or self? Am I self-centered or Christ-centered? Which rules my life, flesh or spirit? How I would love to say that it is always the Spirit, God, and Christ. I cannot say that without being full of pretense and hypocrisy. On a daily basis, I must deny the 'self' and accept the reality of my own fault(s). I must continually examine myself, see my faults, and confess my faults. It is by this daily examination that I will be able to be set free. By turning the self over to God daily, I can be set free from what condemns me and holds me back from being all that God created me to be.
To be a true disciple, to be a genuine disciple, calls for genuine decisiveness. Which are we, the old or the new? The old, self-dominated, or new Christ-dominated? When we continue to examine and confess or faults, we can be set free. When we continually go to God with our faults and give Him our self, we are set free. When we follow His rule, we are free. With the 'end' of our struggles, comes our 'beginning'.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Friends..........
This past weekend has been one of the best weekends I have had in a long, long time. Perhaps, one of the best thus far in my life. I was blessed to spend a weekend with friends, friends that are more than friends, friends that are family, friends that I would lay my life down for.
In previous posts, I have spoken about my spirit dancing. I now know why it does. It dances when it is joyous and happy, and it feels this way when I am with my friends, when I am enjoying life, as it is, where it is. It is quite the revelation when you first realize what makes you happy and brings you joy. I do not have to go anywhere special or do anything special. I can sit on my couch, or theirs, and enjoy the time spent with them. The face to face time, the real conversations, the honesty, being able to be real, these are just a few of the things that mean so much to me.
For so many years, I took my friends for granted, always thought that they would be there. I have had friends for a season and when that season ended, so did the friendship. I have had many that were like this, making me gun-shy and not wanting to reach out. The pain of finality and rejection was very hard to bear and the coping skills were not truly developed or shown. The examples that I had were not stellar nor were they encouraging. Now, as I am an adult, I am learning those skills.
One of the best lessons that I have learned is listening. Listen before speaking, listen before responding, listen. Be still and listen. We have all had times when we needed the shoulder of a friend to get us through one of our trials. And it is during this time that we can excel and be that friend, that we can show them love and compassion, that we can shine.
In previous posts, I have spoken about my spirit dancing. I now know why it does. It dances when it is joyous and happy, and it feels this way when I am with my friends, when I am enjoying life, as it is, where it is. It is quite the revelation when you first realize what makes you happy and brings you joy. I do not have to go anywhere special or do anything special. I can sit on my couch, or theirs, and enjoy the time spent with them. The face to face time, the real conversations, the honesty, being able to be real, these are just a few of the things that mean so much to me.
For so many years, I took my friends for granted, always thought that they would be there. I have had friends for a season and when that season ended, so did the friendship. I have had many that were like this, making me gun-shy and not wanting to reach out. The pain of finality and rejection was very hard to bear and the coping skills were not truly developed or shown. The examples that I had were not stellar nor were they encouraging. Now, as I am an adult, I am learning those skills.
One of the best lessons that I have learned is listening. Listen before speaking, listen before responding, listen. Be still and listen. We have all had times when we needed the shoulder of a friend to get us through one of our trials. And it is during this time that we can excel and be that friend, that we can show them love and compassion, that we can shine.
Monday, April 20, 2009
What is 'it'?
What is "IT"?
At church, we are told to bring 'it'. Which got me thinking, is the 'it' they are referring to God? If 'it' is, they, need to step back and rethink how they approach Him. I do not recall ever reading or seeing God being referred to as 'it'. The Bible does not refer to God at 'it', then why do 'church people' refer to Him as 'it'?
Let's look at this for a moment, and let's think about those who call God 'it'. We all have someone around us who does this. They try to sell you on 'it' and get you all excited and pumped up for 'it'. They come back from conferences and meetings all excited about 'it'. Then, they take on the job of selling you 'it'. Once again, what is 'it'? Is 'it' a feeling? Is 'it' a place? Is 'it' a person? Is 'it' some thing? I cannot help but think that the 'it' they are referring to is God and something deep inside gets offended. I cannot find in the Bible where God is referred to as 'it'.
So, why do these people continually talk about bringing 'it'? I can theorize and hypothesize about this, but I think it comes down to something so simple, respect and honor. They lack the respect and honor for God to call Him by His name. Instead, they boil it down and rename God, 'it'. How dishonoring, how disrespectful. I know that if I was referred to as 'it', I would be less than pleased and honored. I am a person. I am a woman. I have a name, My name is Jennifer Jean. Call me 'it', and you lose my honor and respect.
How can those who refer to God as 'it' be giving Him the honor and respect that He deserves? How can we, who see through their insecurities, give them honor and respect? If they cannot honor and respect the One who has given them everything they have, how are we supposed to give them honor and respect?
God gave us His only Son. We are commanded to respect and honor Him. When we dilute all He has done and begin referring to Him as 'it', we have reduced Him. We have taken Him out of the equation and replaced Him with 'it'. And, if we replace God and make Him an 'it', what else are we selling short and cutting short? What other areas of our life are we denying and blocking?
If 'it' refers to energy and enthusiasm for the Lord, let's say what we mean. Let's not abbreviate and lessen what we mean. Let's speak what we mean. If I were to tell you to bring 'it', you would look at me like I was some sort of freak and ask for clarification. Especially those of you who know me. If I want you to bring something, I will specifically state what I need you to bring.
When our leaders ask us to bring 'it', and we fail to do so, then the failure falls upon them and their inability to clarify their 'it'. Rather than ask you or me to bring 'it', ask us to bring our best. Ask us to be prepared and ready for the job or task with which we are being asked to do.Now, if we do not bring our best and do our best, we also need to evaluate ourselves as well. We shoulder some of the responsibility too. When we are serving our Lord and we fail to do our best and bring our best, we fall short and dishonor God. We are not being the light that He has called us to be. This does not lessen the responsibility that our leaders have to us. After all, if you want those following you to succeed, you need to succeed as well, you need to lead by example. And that example does not mean following some textbook or thesis on the subject. It means leading by example. Those who you are in charge of are going to be no better than you. So, if you are looking at those following you, and realize that they are not performing up to par, first go and look in the mirror. It is here that you can get to the heart of the matter.
More on 'it' coming later...................
At church, we are told to bring 'it'. Which got me thinking, is the 'it' they are referring to God? If 'it' is, they, need to step back and rethink how they approach Him. I do not recall ever reading or seeing God being referred to as 'it'. The Bible does not refer to God at 'it', then why do 'church people' refer to Him as 'it'?
Let's look at this for a moment, and let's think about those who call God 'it'. We all have someone around us who does this. They try to sell you on 'it' and get you all excited and pumped up for 'it'. They come back from conferences and meetings all excited about 'it'. Then, they take on the job of selling you 'it'. Once again, what is 'it'? Is 'it' a feeling? Is 'it' a place? Is 'it' a person? Is 'it' some thing? I cannot help but think that the 'it' they are referring to is God and something deep inside gets offended. I cannot find in the Bible where God is referred to as 'it'.
So, why do these people continually talk about bringing 'it'? I can theorize and hypothesize about this, but I think it comes down to something so simple, respect and honor. They lack the respect and honor for God to call Him by His name. Instead, they boil it down and rename God, 'it'. How dishonoring, how disrespectful. I know that if I was referred to as 'it', I would be less than pleased and honored. I am a person. I am a woman. I have a name, My name is Jennifer Jean. Call me 'it', and you lose my honor and respect.
How can those who refer to God as 'it' be giving Him the honor and respect that He deserves? How can we, who see through their insecurities, give them honor and respect? If they cannot honor and respect the One who has given them everything they have, how are we supposed to give them honor and respect?
God gave us His only Son. We are commanded to respect and honor Him. When we dilute all He has done and begin referring to Him as 'it', we have reduced Him. We have taken Him out of the equation and replaced Him with 'it'. And, if we replace God and make Him an 'it', what else are we selling short and cutting short? What other areas of our life are we denying and blocking?
If 'it' refers to energy and enthusiasm for the Lord, let's say what we mean. Let's not abbreviate and lessen what we mean. Let's speak what we mean. If I were to tell you to bring 'it', you would look at me like I was some sort of freak and ask for clarification. Especially those of you who know me. If I want you to bring something, I will specifically state what I need you to bring.
When our leaders ask us to bring 'it', and we fail to do so, then the failure falls upon them and their inability to clarify their 'it'. Rather than ask you or me to bring 'it', ask us to bring our best. Ask us to be prepared and ready for the job or task with which we are being asked to do.Now, if we do not bring our best and do our best, we also need to evaluate ourselves as well. We shoulder some of the responsibility too. When we are serving our Lord and we fail to do our best and bring our best, we fall short and dishonor God. We are not being the light that He has called us to be. This does not lessen the responsibility that our leaders have to us. After all, if you want those following you to succeed, you need to succeed as well, you need to lead by example. And that example does not mean following some textbook or thesis on the subject. It means leading by example. Those who you are in charge of are going to be no better than you. So, if you are looking at those following you, and realize that they are not performing up to par, first go and look in the mirror. It is here that you can get to the heart of the matter.
More on 'it' coming later...................
Friday, April 17, 2009
BUSY - Being Under Satan's Yolk
I'm continuing on with my last post, as it seems so poignant and timely and has been on my heart.
BUSY - Being Under Satan's Yolk
The more we take on, the more we do, the more that the enemy takes, the more we allow him to take. We do more, society thinks we have accomplished more, we think we are doing more, getting more. We strive to get that promotion at work, we work harder and longer hours, sacrificing our friends, family and personal lives. We get the promotion and continue working harder, continue sacrificing. We use work as an excuse to not engage in our life, to escape from our life. We have made our work our life. Work is just on of the many vices that we cling to, to escape from our lives or that we believe is our life.
What happens when the work is no longer there? What happens when you are forced to not work, to take a break, to pause? At times, my life has been unbearable, overwhelming. I tended to ignore some of the obvious things in my life, more importantly, I ignored myself. I defined myself by my success, by my work. Only to discover that it can all be taken away so quickly. And I was left standing alone, spinning in circles, wondering who I am, where I am going, what I am doing.
The last few years, I have put my heart and soul into working, into trying to further a business that in constant competition for me. I have sacrificed who I am and what I believe in to get the business further along. The last few months have been an awakening for me. I have taken the time to reflect and to ask questions about myself. I have discovered that I was chasing the mystical unicorn, striving for something that I would not be able to reach and made myself believe that I could get there on my own power. How silly of me and how silly that I would actually think that way. That mystical unicorn is gone and I am realizing that my hard work and effort has been under false pretense. I have made myself busy for someone else, for something else. And realizing that has been a great awakening for me.
At times, I still feel like I am spinning in a circle and looking for a way off the ride. And there are times of clarity along the way. Moments when the ride seems to stop and I can see clearly and the path which I need to take is clear before me. These moments, this clarification, happens when I pause, when I stop. When I stop being busy.
BUSY - Being Under Satan's Yolk
The more we take on, the more we do, the more that the enemy takes, the more we allow him to take. We do more, society thinks we have accomplished more, we think we are doing more, getting more. We strive to get that promotion at work, we work harder and longer hours, sacrificing our friends, family and personal lives. We get the promotion and continue working harder, continue sacrificing. We use work as an excuse to not engage in our life, to escape from our life. We have made our work our life. Work is just on of the many vices that we cling to, to escape from our lives or that we believe is our life.
What happens when the work is no longer there? What happens when you are forced to not work, to take a break, to pause? At times, my life has been unbearable, overwhelming. I tended to ignore some of the obvious things in my life, more importantly, I ignored myself. I defined myself by my success, by my work. Only to discover that it can all be taken away so quickly. And I was left standing alone, spinning in circles, wondering who I am, where I am going, what I am doing.
The last few years, I have put my heart and soul into working, into trying to further a business that in constant competition for me. I have sacrificed who I am and what I believe in to get the business further along. The last few months have been an awakening for me. I have taken the time to reflect and to ask questions about myself. I have discovered that I was chasing the mystical unicorn, striving for something that I would not be able to reach and made myself believe that I could get there on my own power. How silly of me and how silly that I would actually think that way. That mystical unicorn is gone and I am realizing that my hard work and effort has been under false pretense. I have made myself busy for someone else, for something else. And realizing that has been a great awakening for me.
At times, I still feel like I am spinning in a circle and looking for a way off the ride. And there are times of clarity along the way. Moments when the ride seems to stop and I can see clearly and the path which I need to take is clear before me. These moments, this clarification, happens when I pause, when I stop. When I stop being busy.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Dancing Spirit Battle
Dance, dance, dance. How do you quiet your spirit when all it wants to do is dance? Should you quiet your spirit when it wants to dance? Should you deny your spirit the chance to dance? And, how does my spirit know how to dance, since I have never let it?
Hmmm. Interesting questions that make me ponder. A spirit that knows how to dance and has never done so before. How does this happen? This is just rhetorical, I am just thinking as I write.
I love my dancing spirit. It makes me feel like I am floating on wings of eagles, like I am soaring above what problems and trials I am experiencing right now in my life. It provides me with a moment of escape, a moment of freedom, a moment of reprieve. Life can be difficult and full of challenges and full of opportunities and gifts. It all depends on where I am looking.
I have found that when I focus on the bad and what is wrong, that is what I will encounter, the bad and wrong. Now, in the same situation, when I am focused on the opportunity and gifts, I see the opportunity and the gifts. Same circumstances, same places, different attitude and different view. When I walk with the Spirit of God and follow His steps and direction for my life, seeing the opportunity and gifts is easy. When I fall out of His Spirit, I see the bad and wrong.
In the Bible, Moses sent twelve scouts out into the Promised Land. Ten returned and were afraid, they were fearful, they doubted. Two, Joshua and Caleb, returned full of optimism in the promise of the Lord. They walked with the confidence of the Lord, with His promise in their heart.
As I walk through my day, I struggle with this. I have God moments and I have human moments. They can happen simultaneously, which is quite confusing. I have the Spirit pushing me forward and the flesh pulling me back. I have the Spirit telling me 'yes' and my flesh telling me 'no', or the Spirit saying 'no' and my flesh saying 'oh yes'.
How do I differentiate between the two? How do I know which is the Spirit and which is the flesh? How do I know if it is my Spirit dancing or my flesh? I just do. I cannot explain it, or give some theory behind it. I just can. It takes discernment, prayer, listening, pausing. The hardest part for me is the pausing. With so much busyness in my life, it is hard to pause at times. It is hard to be silent, it is hard to listen, it is hard to pause. Discipline has helped me to pause, to stop and listen. I am no where near perfect in this, nor do I think I ever will be. I do know that I can continue to strive toward this, to keep moving forward, to keep looking up.
Hmmm. Interesting questions that make me ponder. A spirit that knows how to dance and has never done so before. How does this happen? This is just rhetorical, I am just thinking as I write.
I love my dancing spirit. It makes me feel like I am floating on wings of eagles, like I am soaring above what problems and trials I am experiencing right now in my life. It provides me with a moment of escape, a moment of freedom, a moment of reprieve. Life can be difficult and full of challenges and full of opportunities and gifts. It all depends on where I am looking.
I have found that when I focus on the bad and what is wrong, that is what I will encounter, the bad and wrong. Now, in the same situation, when I am focused on the opportunity and gifts, I see the opportunity and the gifts. Same circumstances, same places, different attitude and different view. When I walk with the Spirit of God and follow His steps and direction for my life, seeing the opportunity and gifts is easy. When I fall out of His Spirit, I see the bad and wrong.
In the Bible, Moses sent twelve scouts out into the Promised Land. Ten returned and were afraid, they were fearful, they doubted. Two, Joshua and Caleb, returned full of optimism in the promise of the Lord. They walked with the confidence of the Lord, with His promise in their heart.
As I walk through my day, I struggle with this. I have God moments and I have human moments. They can happen simultaneously, which is quite confusing. I have the Spirit pushing me forward and the flesh pulling me back. I have the Spirit telling me 'yes' and my flesh telling me 'no', or the Spirit saying 'no' and my flesh saying 'oh yes'.
How do I differentiate between the two? How do I know which is the Spirit and which is the flesh? How do I know if it is my Spirit dancing or my flesh? I just do. I cannot explain it, or give some theory behind it. I just can. It takes discernment, prayer, listening, pausing. The hardest part for me is the pausing. With so much busyness in my life, it is hard to pause at times. It is hard to be silent, it is hard to listen, it is hard to pause. Discipline has helped me to pause, to stop and listen. I am no where near perfect in this, nor do I think I ever will be. I do know that I can continue to strive toward this, to keep moving forward, to keep looking up.
BUSY - Being Under Satan's Yolk.
The more that we take on, the further away from God we become.
The more that we take on, the further away from God we become.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Dancing Spirit 2
A few days ago, I wrote about my spirit dancing. It is a wonderful feeling, one that makes me light up from the inside out. I am still left bewildered as to why it happens and when, who makes it happen and why.
Needless to say, it has been dancing up a storm this last week. It has made me feel good, feel loved, and feel joy. And I am not going to be shy, I have loved every minute of it. I have loved having the feeling of euphoria and joy, of being happy and joyous, of being uplifted. I feel renewed. My spiritual account and my emotional account are being filled. As a result, I am able to give and give freely and joyously.
For so long, I have been wanting to give. I have wanted to give from my heart, not from the head. For too long, I was giving from the head, which is no way to give. It is cold and lifeless. To be able to give from the heart makes me feel worthy, makes me feel better. It is not about giving to receive, it is just about giving. Giving out of the joy in my heart, giving out of the love I feel.
I'd like to say that I have figured out the source of my joy, that I have it nailed down and I go to it every day. I know some of my joy comes from being with friends, friends who share interests, friends who share of themselves, friends who are willing to take the step to be real and honest. Being around these friends makes me want to dance, and as a result, so does my spirit. And when my spirit dances, how can I feel anything but joy and happiness?
Needless to say, it has been dancing up a storm this last week. It has made me feel good, feel loved, and feel joy. And I am not going to be shy, I have loved every minute of it. I have loved having the feeling of euphoria and joy, of being happy and joyous, of being uplifted. I feel renewed. My spiritual account and my emotional account are being filled. As a result, I am able to give and give freely and joyously.
For so long, I have been wanting to give. I have wanted to give from my heart, not from the head. For too long, I was giving from the head, which is no way to give. It is cold and lifeless. To be able to give from the heart makes me feel worthy, makes me feel better. It is not about giving to receive, it is just about giving. Giving out of the joy in my heart, giving out of the love I feel.
I'd like to say that I have figured out the source of my joy, that I have it nailed down and I go to it every day. I know some of my joy comes from being with friends, friends who share interests, friends who share of themselves, friends who are willing to take the step to be real and honest. Being around these friends makes me want to dance, and as a result, so does my spirit. And when my spirit dances, how can I feel anything but joy and happiness?
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Fear's holding power
In the book I am currently reading, You want me to do what? by Michael Youssef, he has brought up many points that my heart has been feeling, but I have been unable to put into words. He has also challenged me to think and to reflect.
What fear is holds you back from accepting God's challenge for your life? Self doubt, lack of self esteem and confidence, fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of ridicule, fear of........ There are so many fears that keep me from doing what God has called me to do with the life He has given me.
When I was 16, sitting in my room, trying to decide what to do for the rest of my life (sort of an oxymoron here, too young to do much in society, but old enough to decide the fate of my life), God spoke to me. He told me what I would be and what I will be. I doubted myself. And I doubted Him. I told Him I was not the person He was looking for, that He must be mistaken. His response, "I will be back my child".
At the time, I did not realize what was truly happening. I cast it off as some dream or illusion in my head. Why? Because of my low opinion of myself, my lack of self-worth, my general lack of belief in myself. How could I have been so down on myself, not have confidence in myself when God did and does? I think a little history might be needed here.
I am the oldest of two and the only girl. I was treated differently than my brother and the expectations for me were high. I excelled at most everything I did, and there were times that I needed the extra help to do so. I pushed myself hard to accomplish many of my achievements in school. Dean's list, President's list, AP courses, top 10% of my class, yet, it was never enough for my family. They always expected more, more from me. I was not respected or honored in my home growing up, so I never knew what it was, how to give it or how to receive it. As a result, my self image was poor. My nicknames growing up were shamoo, helicopter hips, tank, or whale. As a result of this, I have struggled with my self image and my self worth. How could I be worth anything if my family felt I was worth nothing? Hard, harsh reality.
So I doubted myself and I doubted God. Why would He call on me? Why would He want to use me? Why would He want me? It was all about me at the time. Not realizing that there is a bigger picture, one in which I am a part of. One in which, if I do not take part, the picture is not complete.
And even knowing this today, I still allow my fear and doubt to keep me frozen, to keep me from advancing. Fear is a natural reaction, yet I have allowed my fear to take hold. I have allowed my fear to control me.
So what is stopping me, holding me back from God's challenge for my life? I am. I need see myself as God sees me, not as society does. I need to see the goodness and greatness that He has for me, not what I have envisioned for myself. I need Him, more of Him.
What fear is holds you back from accepting God's challenge for your life? Self doubt, lack of self esteem and confidence, fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of ridicule, fear of........ There are so many fears that keep me from doing what God has called me to do with the life He has given me.
When I was 16, sitting in my room, trying to decide what to do for the rest of my life (sort of an oxymoron here, too young to do much in society, but old enough to decide the fate of my life), God spoke to me. He told me what I would be and what I will be. I doubted myself. And I doubted Him. I told Him I was not the person He was looking for, that He must be mistaken. His response, "I will be back my child".
At the time, I did not realize what was truly happening. I cast it off as some dream or illusion in my head. Why? Because of my low opinion of myself, my lack of self-worth, my general lack of belief in myself. How could I have been so down on myself, not have confidence in myself when God did and does? I think a little history might be needed here.
I am the oldest of two and the only girl. I was treated differently than my brother and the expectations for me were high. I excelled at most everything I did, and there were times that I needed the extra help to do so. I pushed myself hard to accomplish many of my achievements in school. Dean's list, President's list, AP courses, top 10% of my class, yet, it was never enough for my family. They always expected more, more from me. I was not respected or honored in my home growing up, so I never knew what it was, how to give it or how to receive it. As a result, my self image was poor. My nicknames growing up were shamoo, helicopter hips, tank, or whale. As a result of this, I have struggled with my self image and my self worth. How could I be worth anything if my family felt I was worth nothing? Hard, harsh reality.
So I doubted myself and I doubted God. Why would He call on me? Why would He want to use me? Why would He want me? It was all about me at the time. Not realizing that there is a bigger picture, one in which I am a part of. One in which, if I do not take part, the picture is not complete.
And even knowing this today, I still allow my fear and doubt to keep me frozen, to keep me from advancing. Fear is a natural reaction, yet I have allowed my fear to take hold. I have allowed my fear to control me.
So what is stopping me, holding me back from God's challenge for my life? I am. I need see myself as God sees me, not as society does. I need to see the goodness and greatness that He has for me, not what I have envisioned for myself. I need Him, more of Him.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Dancing Spirit
Have you ever had a moment when you have felt your spirit dancing? This past weekend, for the first time in many years, I felt just that. I do not know what happened, how it happened or why it happened, I just know that it did. I had a spring in my step and a smile on my face.
And now, on Monday morning, I find my spirit moping around, returning to it's typical state. I do not like this. I want it to dance and shout for joy. I want it to stand on the mountaintop and shout, to leap from mountaintop to mountaintop. It was such a great feeling, the feeling of true joy and happiness. I felt part of me returning. The part of me that I have silenced for so long. The part of me that I like, that enjoys life and embraces it.
So now, I am left asking myself what did I do different? What was different? What happened? Part of me believes that it was God showing me who I am, showing me how He sees me, letting me be free of the worldly condemnation and judgement for just a brief moment. How did He do this? Who did He put in my path to help me feel this way? I can theorize and put the weekend under the microscope, but where will that get me? I just need to enjoy the moment, cherish the time I had in the moment. And be aware of my spirit and how it dances.
And now, on Monday morning, I find my spirit moping around, returning to it's typical state. I do not like this. I want it to dance and shout for joy. I want it to stand on the mountaintop and shout, to leap from mountaintop to mountaintop. It was such a great feeling, the feeling of true joy and happiness. I felt part of me returning. The part of me that I have silenced for so long. The part of me that I like, that enjoys life and embraces it.
So now, I am left asking myself what did I do different? What was different? What happened? Part of me believes that it was God showing me who I am, showing me how He sees me, letting me be free of the worldly condemnation and judgement for just a brief moment. How did He do this? Who did He put in my path to help me feel this way? I can theorize and put the weekend under the microscope, but where will that get me? I just need to enjoy the moment, cherish the time I had in the moment. And be aware of my spirit and how it dances.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Door of Hope
"When we confess our sins and purge disobedience from our lives, we pass through a door of hope. We experience a new beginning in our lives. It's the beginning of a new ministry, the beginning of a new testimony, the beginning of a new life of faithfulness to God."
Michael Youssef, You Want Me To Do What?
One of my last posts talks about walking through the door that God has opened for me. I am still not there yet. However, the above passage helped me to see that I have already walked through one of God's door already. In fact, I have walked through this door every day.
A little background may be needed here. It was in 2001 that I began going back to church. I followed God's lead. He led me back to the church I grew up at. I knew people there and I was in my comfort zone, in the beginning. I knew I was where I needed to be because of God speaking to me. I was thirteen weeks pregnant when I first went back. This was my first and only pregnancy. During the sermon, I felt my son move. Every doctor and other human being told me I was wrong, that I was not far enough along to experience this. Well, during the week, I was listening to my body. I did not feel him move during the week. So, I went back to church that following Sunday and I felt him move again. At this point, I looked to God and said "Okay, you've got my attention. I am here". And that was the start to my journey.
Over the last few years, I've had many twists and turns on my journey. Some have been pleasing, others, not so much. I've been molded and shaped along the way. Regardless of the trial I was enduring, I always knew that God was going to lead me through. That His plan for my life was unfolding and I needed to follow His will. And still, I need to follow His will. He gives me hope everyday. Hope that today will be better. Hope that I today I will break free from my current trial. Hope in healing, not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well.
Hope. Hope is enough to get me through today. Hope gives me the courage to face today. Hope gives me the strength for today. Hope gives me the ability to endure, the ability to look forward. There is always hope.......
One of my last posts talks about walking through the door that God has opened for me. I am still not there yet. However, the above passage helped me to see that I have already walked through one of God's door already. In fact, I have walked through this door every day.
A little background may be needed here. It was in 2001 that I began going back to church. I followed God's lead. He led me back to the church I grew up at. I knew people there and I was in my comfort zone, in the beginning. I knew I was where I needed to be because of God speaking to me. I was thirteen weeks pregnant when I first went back. This was my first and only pregnancy. During the sermon, I felt my son move. Every doctor and other human being told me I was wrong, that I was not far enough along to experience this. Well, during the week, I was listening to my body. I did not feel him move during the week. So, I went back to church that following Sunday and I felt him move again. At this point, I looked to God and said "Okay, you've got my attention. I am here". And that was the start to my journey.
Over the last few years, I've had many twists and turns on my journey. Some have been pleasing, others, not so much. I've been molded and shaped along the way. Regardless of the trial I was enduring, I always knew that God was going to lead me through. That His plan for my life was unfolding and I needed to follow His will. And still, I need to follow His will. He gives me hope everyday. Hope that today will be better. Hope that I today I will break free from my current trial. Hope in healing, not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well.
Hope. Hope is enough to get me through today. Hope gives me the courage to face today. Hope gives me the strength for today. Hope gives me the ability to endure, the ability to look forward. There is always hope.......
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
1 Corinthians 15:13
Friday, April 3, 2009
Carelessness
Okay, I've been struggling. Then again, who is not right now? We are all in the midst of some struggle and each of us has our own ways of dealing with it.
As I was reading yesterday, I came across a statement, well, more like a whole chapter, that made me stop in my tracks. I read and re-read, over and over. It finally hit me and I could not shake how it made me feel. It was in regard to our carelessness with sin. We think we can compartmentalize our sin. And when it comes to the small sin, we really do not take the time to consider the true consequences that we will one day face. All sin that we commit is building and accruing and one day we will have to pay the price for it. And the consequences, I do not want to think about.
It was referring to hidden sin, our sinful thoughts and desires. And then went on to talk about the desires of the flesh. And how the enemy, Satan, will disguise these desires as righteous and godly. After all, Satan in crouching at the door, waiting for the opportunity to pounce. Have you ever noticed that after a great spiritual victory, when you are at the spiritual mountaintop, you encounter great adversity? Yeah, that is Satan, just waiting.
Hidden sin got me to thinking, what am I hiding? What am I hiding behind? Once again, looking upon oneself is not easy and takes great strength and courage. It takes Godly wisdom and will. If I were to say that I never think a bad thought, what a lie that would be. Remember that guy who cut me off in traffic, well, there goes one thought. Or the person who blatantly lied about me to further themselves for the moment. Yeah, there goes another one. Or the person who so rudely cut me off in the grocery store, or the person who tried to run my son over with their shopping cart, or the person who went out of their way to speak poorly and degrade of me, while I was standing there? Okay, I think you get the picture. Some of these I can let go, others, I struggle with.
Then there are other sins, the ones not seen on the outside. The hidden thoughts that go through my mind when I least expect it. The ones that try to coax me into doing something that I know is so wrong and against the word of God and His will for my life. Trying to suppress these can be difficult, as the enemy knows my weaknesses and will prey on them. He, Satan, goes for a toehold. He knows that once he has that, it is easier to move on into a foothold and then a stronghold. This is where I need to pray for God's discernment for my life and follow His will and His word. Is it easy? No, not really. It requires discipline and patience. It requires listening and waiting. Some of these I am not really good at.
Which then begs the question, how do I know when it is God's will for me? How do I know when to act? Does God come to me and say "Okay, now you can move forward"? Sometimes. Have you ever had the phone ring and it was someone you have not talked to in some time or run into an old friend? These are not coincidence. This is God working in your life, exercising His will for your life. That old friend has been where you are and offers words of encouragement. What about when you are hurting, perhaps from the loss of a loved one? All of those people who show up at the funeral to offer a kind word or a gentle hug. Yeah, that is God there with you, letting you know that He is with you, that He cares for you, that He has not forsaken you.
I know, out of the moment, it is easier to identify. When you are in the thick of it, you overlook these 'incidents'. I know that I have and I do. God is steering my life, putting people in my path for a reason. They may be there just for a brief time or stay for a lifetime. They are there to help me and perhaps I am there to help them. It is not always about me. When I am told that I have helped or inspired, I am surprised, often times shocked. Me? I've inspired you? How? Why? When? You see, you never know when or where it will happen. It just does.
So here I go, digressing from what I originally was trying to put into words. Carelessness with sin. We all need to examine our lives, put an end to our denial and turn to God. Turn to God with repentance - saying "Lord, I want to come clean. I want to live my life according to your will. I want to turn from my sin, the sin that is open and confessed and the sin hiding within. I want to turn my obedience to you Lord. And Lord, I cannot do this without You. Please help me to keep my eyes on you Lord during my times of trial and temptation. Lord, give me the strength and power to do this. I know that You are the only one who can do this!!"
We can do this quietly, or we can shout it out. Either way, we need to do this. I need to do this. And I need to do this every day - not just when I feel I should or out of guilt. It is amazing how God will work in you when you turn to Him for the knowledge and will for your life.
"Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, taking one moment at a time; accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen"
-Prayer for Serenity, Reinhold Niebuhr
As I was reading yesterday, I came across a statement, well, more like a whole chapter, that made me stop in my tracks. I read and re-read, over and over. It finally hit me and I could not shake how it made me feel. It was in regard to our carelessness with sin. We think we can compartmentalize our sin. And when it comes to the small sin, we really do not take the time to consider the true consequences that we will one day face. All sin that we commit is building and accruing and one day we will have to pay the price for it. And the consequences, I do not want to think about.
It was referring to hidden sin, our sinful thoughts and desires. And then went on to talk about the desires of the flesh. And how the enemy, Satan, will disguise these desires as righteous and godly. After all, Satan in crouching at the door, waiting for the opportunity to pounce. Have you ever noticed that after a great spiritual victory, when you are at the spiritual mountaintop, you encounter great adversity? Yeah, that is Satan, just waiting.
Hidden sin got me to thinking, what am I hiding? What am I hiding behind? Once again, looking upon oneself is not easy and takes great strength and courage. It takes Godly wisdom and will. If I were to say that I never think a bad thought, what a lie that would be. Remember that guy who cut me off in traffic, well, there goes one thought. Or the person who blatantly lied about me to further themselves for the moment. Yeah, there goes another one. Or the person who so rudely cut me off in the grocery store, or the person who tried to run my son over with their shopping cart, or the person who went out of their way to speak poorly and degrade of me, while I was standing there? Okay, I think you get the picture. Some of these I can let go, others, I struggle with.
Then there are other sins, the ones not seen on the outside. The hidden thoughts that go through my mind when I least expect it. The ones that try to coax me into doing something that I know is so wrong and against the word of God and His will for my life. Trying to suppress these can be difficult, as the enemy knows my weaknesses and will prey on them. He, Satan, goes for a toehold. He knows that once he has that, it is easier to move on into a foothold and then a stronghold. This is where I need to pray for God's discernment for my life and follow His will and His word. Is it easy? No, not really. It requires discipline and patience. It requires listening and waiting. Some of these I am not really good at.
Which then begs the question, how do I know when it is God's will for me? How do I know when to act? Does God come to me and say "Okay, now you can move forward"? Sometimes. Have you ever had the phone ring and it was someone you have not talked to in some time or run into an old friend? These are not coincidence. This is God working in your life, exercising His will for your life. That old friend has been where you are and offers words of encouragement. What about when you are hurting, perhaps from the loss of a loved one? All of those people who show up at the funeral to offer a kind word or a gentle hug. Yeah, that is God there with you, letting you know that He is with you, that He cares for you, that He has not forsaken you.
I know, out of the moment, it is easier to identify. When you are in the thick of it, you overlook these 'incidents'. I know that I have and I do. God is steering my life, putting people in my path for a reason. They may be there just for a brief time or stay for a lifetime. They are there to help me and perhaps I am there to help them. It is not always about me. When I am told that I have helped or inspired, I am surprised, often times shocked. Me? I've inspired you? How? Why? When? You see, you never know when or where it will happen. It just does.
So here I go, digressing from what I originally was trying to put into words. Carelessness with sin. We all need to examine our lives, put an end to our denial and turn to God. Turn to God with repentance - saying "Lord, I want to come clean. I want to live my life according to your will. I want to turn from my sin, the sin that is open and confessed and the sin hiding within. I want to turn my obedience to you Lord. And Lord, I cannot do this without You. Please help me to keep my eyes on you Lord during my times of trial and temptation. Lord, give me the strength and power to do this. I know that You are the only one who can do this!!"
We can do this quietly, or we can shout it out. Either way, we need to do this. I need to do this. And I need to do this every day - not just when I feel I should or out of guilt. It is amazing how God will work in you when you turn to Him for the knowledge and will for your life.
"Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, taking one moment at a time; accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen"
-Prayer for Serenity, Reinhold Niebuhr
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Honoring Honor
God honors honor. It's being said all over church right now, God honors honor.
This past weekend was about honor in the home. This hit me hard. Have I been giving honor? Have I been receiving honor? One of the most difficult things to do is to look truthfully at yourself, to take that inventory of yourself, of who you are and who you were. In order to grow, you need to look back and leave it there.
There are some things that are hard to leave behind, as the hurt and pain runs so deep. Some of the hurts are new, ones I have never encountered before. Ones that bring me into uncharted territory. At times I feel like I am out here, treading water alone. That it is hard to share how I feel with others. Some have told me that I will make it through, I am strong. Others have said I need to pray more and leave it with God. And still others have said nothing and withdrawn themselves from me. Yes, I am strong, with God. Yes, I have left it with God. Yes, I am praying more. And yes, I am reaching out for help and support.
I want to be able to honor. I need to honor, regardless of the dishonor I receive. This is so very hard to do. My selfish side says to withhold and treat them the way I am treated. Then the Godly side says to honor them, regardless of how they treat me. This brings to mind Luke 6:31, "Do to others as you would have them do to you" and Matthew 7:12, "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you."
I have the general nature to treat others with kindness and compassion. Honor them for who they are, not what I want them to be. It is easier to do this to people outside of my home. It is hardest to do within the home. And this also brings up the question, how long do you continue to honor someone who does not honor you? How long do you continue to respect someone who does not respect you? And, how do you love someone who does not love you? I've heard all of these questions before. And when I look to the Bible, I find the answers.
One of my favorite parts of the Bible, Matthew 5 - 7, Sermon on the Mount, tells us to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute you. Okay, not so easy to do. And, it tells us if someone strikes one cheek, to turn to them the other. Okay, again, not so easy to do. It also tells us not to judge others, for the same measure that you use, it will also be used against you. Ouch. How many times have I been caught in this one?
Over and over, forgiveness is spoken. Well, how do you forgive such a large hurt? How do you get to that point? I do know that forgiveness frees me from condemnation. A lack of forgiveness keeps me caged up, not the person I am unwilling to forgive. I would like to say that I have this one down and it is easy for me to do. I do not. I am human. I have moments of weakness and self-pity and sometimes like to wade in the hurt too long. It does me not good to do this, I know. Yet, at times, I find myself there. And there are other times when I push myself into forgiveness and do not allow myself to feel the emotions that go along with the hurt and the forgiveness. I have found that doing this only makes it harder later, makes it harder to forgive something little, something trivial.
So where am I with honor in the home? Not so sure. I do know that I need to work on this area. I know that I need to receive honor as well. I also know that it is hard to honor when my emotional account is extremely overdrawn. It is hard to give when there is nothing there to draw from.
I keep going back to Matthew 7:12 and Luke 6:31. I keep going back to God for His guidance and His direction, His knowledge and His will for my life. Because it is through Him that all things are possible.
This past weekend was about honor in the home. This hit me hard. Have I been giving honor? Have I been receiving honor? One of the most difficult things to do is to look truthfully at yourself, to take that inventory of yourself, of who you are and who you were. In order to grow, you need to look back and leave it there.
There are some things that are hard to leave behind, as the hurt and pain runs so deep. Some of the hurts are new, ones I have never encountered before. Ones that bring me into uncharted territory. At times I feel like I am out here, treading water alone. That it is hard to share how I feel with others. Some have told me that I will make it through, I am strong. Others have said I need to pray more and leave it with God. And still others have said nothing and withdrawn themselves from me. Yes, I am strong, with God. Yes, I have left it with God. Yes, I am praying more. And yes, I am reaching out for help and support.
I want to be able to honor. I need to honor, regardless of the dishonor I receive. This is so very hard to do. My selfish side says to withhold and treat them the way I am treated. Then the Godly side says to honor them, regardless of how they treat me. This brings to mind Luke 6:31, "Do to others as you would have them do to you" and Matthew 7:12, "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you."
I have the general nature to treat others with kindness and compassion. Honor them for who they are, not what I want them to be. It is easier to do this to people outside of my home. It is hardest to do within the home. And this also brings up the question, how long do you continue to honor someone who does not honor you? How long do you continue to respect someone who does not respect you? And, how do you love someone who does not love you? I've heard all of these questions before. And when I look to the Bible, I find the answers.
One of my favorite parts of the Bible, Matthew 5 - 7, Sermon on the Mount, tells us to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute you. Okay, not so easy to do. And, it tells us if someone strikes one cheek, to turn to them the other. Okay, again, not so easy to do. It also tells us not to judge others, for the same measure that you use, it will also be used against you. Ouch. How many times have I been caught in this one?
Over and over, forgiveness is spoken. Well, how do you forgive such a large hurt? How do you get to that point? I do know that forgiveness frees me from condemnation. A lack of forgiveness keeps me caged up, not the person I am unwilling to forgive. I would like to say that I have this one down and it is easy for me to do. I do not. I am human. I have moments of weakness and self-pity and sometimes like to wade in the hurt too long. It does me not good to do this, I know. Yet, at times, I find myself there. And there are other times when I push myself into forgiveness and do not allow myself to feel the emotions that go along with the hurt and the forgiveness. I have found that doing this only makes it harder later, makes it harder to forgive something little, something trivial.
So where am I with honor in the home? Not so sure. I do know that I need to work on this area. I know that I need to receive honor as well. I also know that it is hard to honor when my emotional account is extremely overdrawn. It is hard to give when there is nothing there to draw from.
I keep going back to Matthew 7:12 and Luke 6:31. I keep going back to God for His guidance and His direction, His knowledge and His will for my life. Because it is through Him that all things are possible.
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