"My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death." Matthew 14:34
This small part of scripture spoke to me, overwhelmed me as I read it today. Currently, I am going through a molding and breaking process. I know that as I travel through this trial and journey, that I will come through on the other side stronger and more resilient. That does not mean that as I go through this molding process that I do not despair. That my soul is not overwhelmed with sorrow, that my soul is not overwhelmed with grief, and that my soul is not sorrowful to the point of death.
The reasons why I am here are not as important as the journey that I am on. This journey will strip away parts of the old me. Ones that I, the human part of me, feel that I need, yet God knows I do not. I feel at times like cookie dough, being shaped by the cookie cutter, with the excess being pulled away. As the excess is being taken, my human side is fighting to keep it. It is like my safety blanket. And with this, I enter into the heart and mind battle. This is an overwhelming point in my life. It is like standing in a river during the spring thaw. At points you feel like you are going under and being swept away. And it is at this point, when I am at my weakest moment, this is where God comes through and shows His strength and glory.
I would like to say that it is easy, knowing that God is there and will keep me safe. It is the hardest point in my life. I have complete faith in God and completely trust Him. This is from my heart. And then enters my mind, and what a battle ensues. My mind thinks it can do it better, that it can hunker down and do it on it's own strength and might. That it can bully my heart into submission. I would be deceiving myself if I were to say that this will never happen or has never happened. It has and it will. My mind has silenced my heart for years and I have allowed it to happen. It was during this bullying from my mind that my heart began crying out, crying for recognition, crying for affirmation. My mind kept trying to keep it quite, making excuses, and lying. This is when my heart went to God, crying to Him, asking, seeking and knocking.
And now, at this crossroad, I am standing at the door that God has opened and find myself not being able to go through. I was reminded by a good friend that the most radical changes in my life will occur before I enter this door and that God will give me the strength to proceed and the courage to step forward.
So, here I am, standing in the river. Asking, seeking and knocking.
Jen, just know that you are not alone in this thing. You have put into words some of what I feel but am unable to bring out as you have. This is not an easy thing, (this heart-mind battle we are going through), to over come. I feel so alone sometimes, with no one to help me through the disappointments and discouragements I face almost daily. On one hand I want to live by faith trusting God to supply all my needs and bring me through this time of depression. But on the other, I want it done my way and in my time frame. Heart for God, Mind for myself. We both know the answer to this and that is to...let go and let God....We are always going to have disappointments in this life and people will always let us down, even betray us from time to time, but that's the time when we have to look to God for deliverence and just take his outstreched hand.... Standing in the river, why are we standing in the river? Is it because we want something else? Is it because we want what our flesh wants. We know that we can't have it both ways yet we want it both ways. It doesn't work that way. We are doing this to ourselves. That person that we feel has let us down is controling our lives and making us very unhappy. Behind almost every one of our problems is a person and many times that person is ourselves. My heart for God is battling my flesh for me. I for one will not be happy until I, ..."Let go and Let God". I'm going to step out of the river and into the will of God.......Thanks for your blog and your understanding. ...Jen, when I use the word "We" I really mean "I". I'm only speaking for myself.....
ReplyDelete