Aftermath

I know it has been over a year since my last post. In this time, there has been so much that has happened. And to recap would take too long.

The reason for my blog absence can be brought to one instance: infidelity. Yes, you read that correctly. It was not done by me, yet it was done to me.

At no point can one prepare oneself for this. There is nothing that can possibly make you ready or able to deal with the emotions afterward. It has been just over eighteen months since I found out and there are some days that are easier than others. The most difficult part is forgiveness. How can I forgive when I am not able to put to rest the images that run through my head? How can I forgive when you refuse to talk about it? How can I forgive when I need to talk about it and have no outlet? How can I forgive..................? You can fill in the blank with whatever would hold you back. This emotion is raw. This emotion is unexpected and many times unwanted.

To say I did not see it happening or coming would be a blatent lie. In my heart, I knew what was going on. I chose to ignore it and now I get to deal with the consequences. I feel like I am traveling this road alone and I know for sure that I lost the map. In fact, I was never given one at the onset of this journey. I feel like I am forging my own path, and know that I am making wrong turns and hitting dead end streets.

I want answers. Answers that I will never get. I want to ask "Why?" and know that the answer will point to me as the reason. What did I do? What caused you to stray and look elsewhere? The answers to the last two questions will not be answered, as he does not feel he needs to answer them. His response is "I did not do this on my own". Really? Did I hold our hand and give you my blessing? I know not.

For me, infidelity is a deal breaker. My wedding vows said for better and for worse. Not until I get tired and see something else. For me, cheating is a line drawn not in #4 pencil, but in permanent marker. Once the line is crossed, getting back will be a difficult journey. My trust and loyalty have been compromised.

What am I thinking??

Have you ever had one of those moments, when you look back on events in your life, and think to yourself, "what was I thinking?". I have had several of those over the last few days. Thinking back to what I thought I could accept, to what I thought would change, and then realizing that I feel as I do because I did not know what I was thinking.

Infideltiy

For nearly a year now, I have been battling with the aftermath of infidelity. Trying to wade through the emotions caused by someone elses actions, the feelings of anger, hurt, mistrust and everything in between. There have been times that I thought I was dreaming the whole thing, that I would wake up and everything would be back to the way it was prior to my discovery. Each and everyday has been a battle of some kind, of trying to make it through the day without an outburst or a breakdown. And with trying to muddle through, I have missed nearly a year of my life. Of new expreiences, of new encounters, of new feelings. I have built a wall up around my heart, one to keep anyone from entering in, to see the real pain and hurt that is bundled up inside. Why? Because, somewhere along the way in my life, I was impressioned that showing emotions was equal to showing your weakness. And life experience has shown that people will maniplulate and use your weakness to their advantage. And the last thing that I am willing to do is to be mainpulated.

Yet, as I look back, I realize that I was. I was manipulated into thinking that forward progress was being made, that everything was working out, that my marriage was on the mend, that we were able to begin to move on from our past hurts and feelings and move into the future, a future that was built upon trust. And then that day happened, when I came home from work early to find an email inbox open that I had no idea he had. To see an email from the one person that I can truly say with all honesty that I hate. And it was not only one email, it was several. And I looked at them, in disbelief at what I was seeing, and at the same time confirming my worst fear. And from there, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. I have been asking questions, only to have them played off as wanting to keep the past alive and to continue to live in it. When, in reality, all I want is the truth. I do not want to be in a relationship based upon lies and deciept. I would rather know the whole truth, in it's entirety, that to know the part and the lie that accompanies it. What more damage can be done? The one area of my marriage that I never questioned, never doubted, has now been shaken, has been destroyed.

And this leaves me with the question, of how to move forward. How do I rebuild the trust and faith that I had in my husband? How can I trust him when he lied to me for so long? And lied to me after I found out? And continues to lie about it, to lie about the affair that he had. I, as a human being, am having trouble getting to the next step when it feels that every time I begin to make that step, that something happens to make that step be in vain. That one more 'thing' comes up to make me recoil and take refuge inside the wall that I have built.

I've had other women tell me that you will learn to live with it. That I will one day be able to move on, that it will be in the past. But how? When? When does this happen? How does this happen? How does one person try to make a relationship that they, in this case, me, thought was built on a strong foundation of trust and faith and rebuild it? How can I make it strong again? I know that I cannot do this on my own. That it takes both of us to do so. He has said that he wants it to work, yet I see him waiting for me to make the next move. I am not the one who moved in the first place. I did not take that step over the line, I did not hold his hand all the way and say go ahead.

For me to say that I have not entertained the thought would be a lie. For me to say that I do not find other men attractive, would be a lie. I do know where the line is. It is not a line drawn in #4 pencil, one that can be easily erased. It is drawn with a permanent marker, inches wide, one that cannot be erased. In fact, my line is also a wall. If I get to near it, I trip and am reminded of the vow that I made before God on September 25, 1993. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do we part. I made a vow for the rest of my life, to spend it with one person.

Really?? This is what I was thinking as I was reflecting on the past week. Really??
I was caught off guard by many things this week. It seems that the simple tasks go overlooked and the difficult ones forgotten. Really?? Once again, this came into play.
This mind set of mine is one that has been occurring at a rapid pace lately. As I stand back and look around, as I observe, really?? I mean, what are you thinking? Are you thinking you are the only one on earth? Are you the only person who needs to get somewhere on the road? Are you the only person who needs that item on the shelf, so you block the aisle to prevent anyone else from getting by or even looking? Are you so caught up in yourself that you expect everyone around you to bow down and kiss your feet? Are you so important that all need to stop and look and direct their attention to you?
NO!!!! You are not. You are not the only person on te face of the earth. You are not that important that we all need to bow down to you and kiss your feet.
Get over yourself.

Who's afraid of the big, bad wolf??

Who's afraid of the big, bad wolf? Well, I for one am. I have met many wolves in my years and have not recognized them at the onset.
One thing I have learned is the the wolf comes at you in many different disguises. We all know that he tries to dress up as Grandma to trick Little Red Riding Hood and that he also dresses in sheep clothing to deceive those seeking the Lord. The wolf also comes dressed in a suit and tie, or a suit and heels. The wolf also comes dressed in khakis and a polo shirt, as well as designer jeans and t-shirts. There is not a disguise that he has not donned and I can pretty much guarantee that each and every one of us has had their own encounter with the wolf. And have been more than upset when discovering the truth of the person standing before you, the person that you trusted and believed in, that you would have laid down your truth and life for. This person can be your spouse, your best friend, your brother or sister, your boss, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your coworker, your pastor. The guise of the wolf is not limited. He can become anyone he pleases to be. I am saying he, as the wolf is also known as the enemy.
The wolf comes in sheep's clothing, which begs me to ask, does it ever get itchy? Does the wolf ever want to shed his disguise? Does the wolf ever want to be free from his deceit? If we look further, the answer is no. The wolf will do whatever he needs to do to dupe you, to trick you, to mislead you.

Politics?? Change??

This is a subject that I tend to keep my opinion to myself. Tonight, I am sitting in my humble abode, listening to the State of the Union address. I am trying to decipher what is being said, knowing the truth on many of the subjects with which our president is speaking. And knowing these truths, I find it hard to trust our president.
Tonight he spoke of keeping negotiations out in the open. What I see is a president talking out of both sides of his mouth. The whole health care reform has taken place behind closed doors, with secret meetings, meetings taking place late at night or very early in the morning. I know this is part of 'politics', however, when you promise the American people that you are going to do something, you need to do it.
And our president touts his promise for change. Change? How many of us cringe when we hear the word change? Yet, the majority of Americans, those of us who despise change and abhor having to change, voted for change. I'd like to ask those of you who voted for 'change', what do you think of the change now? Are you still jumping for joy and partying at the fact that your change is now in office? Have you seen the change that you were looking for?
Speaking of the change you were looking for, did you start with looking in the mirror? That is where change begins. Not with electing someone who promises change into office. This is politics, and until we stand up and say no more, nothing is going to change. Things will continue, change will not happen. Your problems are not caused by what our president decides. Your problems are caused by poor decisions on your part, but that requires looking at yourself, which is something too many of us are too afraid of doing. That would require change.

Letting go of a dream

Have you ever gotten to a point in life when you realize that the dreams you once had are gone? That you have had to give up on what you dreamed of since you were a small child?
Today was one of those days for me. It was one that started full of hope and anticipation, and was quickly interrupted by reality. Many of us dream of being appreciated and loved for who we are, where we are, not who we were or where we have been.
From the time I was a small child, I have always dreamed about being with the one person who would love me where I am, regardless of what I am going through. Someone who would love me whether on the up or down and anywhere in between. This dream has long been shattered, as who I am is not as important as what I am or where I have been or what I do. The saying you do not know what you have lost until it is gone has been my life long motto. So many people have said this to me.....I did not realize all that you did; all of your hard work is so missed now that you are gone; I did not know what I had until you were gone. How many times have you heard this from people in your past? I say past, because that is what this is about. Many people do not realize how important you are or the gifts that you have to offer until you are gone.
Several weeks ago I decided to leave the last twelve years behind me and move on into a new chapter in my life. Today, I realized how much I did and also that my contributions and value were not appreciated until today. And yet it seems too late for me....it seems that how I feel inside has been put into remission or hiding for so long, that I do not really know who I am or where I am. For so long I valued other people's opinions of who I am and the value that I felt I was worth came from other people. I have been so wrong about this. My value comes from God and what He thinks of me. I know in my deepest being that I am better than what I feel I am. That I am valued and appreciated far more than any human being can ever relay. Yet, yes there is a yet, I long for knowing how much I am appreciated and loved while here on earth.
For most of my life, I have fought for the love and affection of the people around me. I need their approval and acceptance to feel better about who I am. Right now, I am feeling pretty low and unappreciated and unloved. And no matter where I turn around me, I am not seeing the love and acceptance that God has for me. I am not seeing the love of God though other people. Yes, I feel alone and cold right now. At times, I have felt that if I disappear, will anyone notice? Yeah, that is pretty low. I have had many things dealt to me within the last few weeks that have cut me to the core and made me question my value and worth in the world. Perhaps at some later time I will go into them, but for now, no.
So, the dream I have let die - being loved for who I am, where I am, unconditionally. I know this is not too much to ask. If I am up or down or somewhere in between should not affect this love. I am who I am, regardless of where my emotional state is. My heart longs for this love. My heart knows that this love is real. My heart has given this love. My heart is longing to feel this love.
Letting go of a dream......some are easier than others. This one is not going down without a fight. My heart knows this love is real. My heart knows..........

Life Begins.............

Life is just too short to live under your past, under your hurts, habits and hang-ups. It's even shorter when you try to make others live under there with you.
I've had the greatest joy of going through this - on both sides. You may ask how can it be a joy? It is not, at the time. It is actually quite frustrating and defeating, on both sides. For years, I tried to keep the people around me under me, under my hurts, my habits and my hang-ups. To boil it down, I tried to keep them down, keep them from succeeding in areas I knew, or thought I knew, I would not succeed. Looking back, I was miserable, to put it lightly. I was always trying to put the blame for everything on someone else. I never had anything to do with where I was in my life or how I got there. I was not the one making the decisions, it was always someone else forcing me to do so. At least, this is how I thought at the time. I can now see that I had a huge role in my life, that I had a huge responsibility in my life. That the one person I needed to listen to, I was running away from. I needed a reality check and I needed to look up. I was running from God, thinking I could do my life better, that I could do it all better. Yeah right. Like I said, a reality check was in order for me. This check did not happen immediately in all areas of my life, it began gradually, because as we know, God works with us, giving us what we can handle and no more. Over the years, I began to see myself and did not like what I was seeing. I did not like being the Marlin from Finding Nemo. And that is who I was, and was working my way at becoming a lifetime member of the pessimist club. I can say that Finding Nemo was my wake up call, my reality check on life.
How can a movie, a Disney movie at that, make such an impact? Ask God, He knew it would and He put me where He needed me to make an impact on my life. He knew what I needed and He gave it to me. Over the years, there have been instances when I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God was standing right next to me, that He was holding my hand and walking with me through my challenges and trials, and that He was there with me celebrating my victories.
One of my greatest victories occurred on April 29, 2007. On this day, I truly became born again. Yes, I am born again. Yes, I am proud to be born again. I was baptized on this day. It was my decision, not my family, not my friends, it was my decision. It was between me and God. I followed His guide and what a day it was. I was nervous and excited, not knowing what I was about to go through. Here is what I remember: Climbing down the stairs into the pool and getting into place. Up until this point, everything seemed normal. Then Pastor Buddy asked my name. At this point, I found it difficult to breathe. My hearing started to become muffled and my sight was becoming tunneled. I do not remember going under the water. I do remember coming out. At this point, I was breathing freely and my sight and hearing were restored. Many of you already understand what happened here. For those who do not, the old Jen died at that moment. I became born again with Jesus Christ.
Why do I tell you this? Because it was during this time that I began to attend Celebrate Recovery. I began to work on myself. This was the first time in my life that I had taken the initiative to work on the inner Jen, the real Jen, the God-created Jen. It was during this process that I began to see who I was and why. What was making me the way I was. And during this process, I was able to rid myself of some of my hurts, habits and hang-ups. It is a continual process, as God does not give us more than we can handle and He does not expect us to work on more than we can accept. There are still areas of me that are a work-in-progress. I am glad to say that. I will not be perfect on this side, I can only strive to be the best and to be the person that God created me to be.
God has created all of us. He created each of us with purpose and meaning. When we begin to see that, to understand that, life begins to take on a different purpose and meaning.
Do I know what will come of my life? Where I will go? No, and I do not want to know. Life is beautiful, all of life. And I know that I want to live my life, celebrate my life. And the best way that I know how is to do so with God. I know that He is on my right and left shoulders, talking to me each and every step of the way. I just need to listen and obey. This is when life begins, when we die unto ourselves and live for Him.

Step 4

The last week has been one of turmoil and emotional upset. And it has been during this time that I have been able to draw closer to God. Feeling His presence in my life, His arms around me giving me comfort when there are none here on earth to do so. It is truly amazing.
As some know, I have been a facilitator for Celebrate Recovery for over two years now. It has been one of the most humbling and inspiring things I have ever done in my life. To see life change from the program, words cannot truly express. I know about the change because it happened to me too. The mismatched baggage that I was carrying around for so many years wore me down. It is hard to juggle so many bags, and not having a matching set, well, that is just a fashion faux pas.
When I first went through all of the steps, I can remember step 4. Step 4? A searching and fearless moral inventory of my life? What??!! I can remember being fearful of doing this. I did not want to start, because in my mind I thought less of myself, felt that I was not worthy of what God had planned for me. Then I began to write down some of my past, my inventory. I tried to keep it balanced, between the good and the bad, just somehow it was easier to remember the bad. Then one day, it hit me. The greatest good that I had done for myself was to walk through the doors of Celebrate Recovery. After going through the lessons for step 4, I can across this: "No one's inventory (life) is flawless. We have all 'missed the mark' in some area of our lives. In recovery we are not to dwell on the past, but we need to understand it so we can begin to allow God to change us. Jesus told us, "My purpose is to give life in all its fullness" (John 10:10, TLB).
So yeah, I knew I had missed the mark in several areas of my life and continued to beat myself up for shortcomings and bad decisions in my past. What I did not realize is that these were in my past and I was the one who was keeping them alive and current. By doing step 4, I was able to free myself of the guilt that I carried around. I also began to truly understand where I was in life and why. I was able to honestly look at myself and I began to understand myself. I began seeing myself not through my own eyes, but through God's eyes. And who I began to see was someone totally different than what I had been envisioning for so long.
So, why did I go to Celebrate Recovery? I was hurt, so I hurt. I knew that I needed to heal the right way, not society's way. I knew that God was able to heal me and I needed His guidance and direction. Am I healed? In some ways, yes. In others, I am still working. I will always be in recovery and I am okay with that. It is through Celebrate Recovery that I have been able to find out who I truly am. I am God's child and He will never leave me or forsake me. Knowing this, how can I not forge on ahead, regardless of the circumstances that life may throw at me? I AM GOD'S CHILD!!!!

My new guardian angel

This past week has been a difficult week for me. On Tuesday morning, my aunt passed away. She was a woman of strength, courage and love. She left an everlasting impression on all she met. She lived life to the fullest and loved those around her. She never had a bad word to say about anyone or anything. She always found the good in every situation. She was a light in the darkness. She encompassed the commandments of Jesus Christ, she loved the Lord, her God, with all of her heart and she loved others as she loved herself.
She was the silent driving force behind me. When I was a child, she would watch my brother and I, along with her four children. She was more than an aunt to me, she was like a second mother. She was always there for me, pushing me to do better, knowing I could do better. I remember her taking the time to help me prepare for my sequential math 1 regents exam. I was struggling with this class and there was the chance that I would fail and not be able to move on. So, for two weeks, every night, she sat with me and worked with me. Needless to say, I got the second highest score on the regents exam, surprising not only myself, also my teacher (his comments are for another post). And then as an adult, she was always encouraging, uplifting, and joyous. When I came back to church, she was there, waiting, with open arms. We worked together on several church matters and during this time, she saw me go through struggle after struggle that no person should have to endure. During my struggles, I knew that I was being shaped and molded for a reason and purpose. I remember talking with her about this, and to my surprise, she told me that I was so much farther along on my walk with Christ to be able to see this and that it inspired her. I inspired her? I was shocked and speechless.
I did leave that church, in search of a closer relationship with Jesus Christ, where I was free to worship and discover Him in my own ways. Not once did she scorn me or guilt me. She loved me for me. She encouraged me to continue on, to continue with my walk, to know Christ. I can honestly say, when I was in her presence, I was with Jesus Christ. She modeled her life after Him, and she lived it out every day. She is an example of Jesus Christ living in this world.
A few years ago, she was diagnosed with melanoma. Many of us know what this is and for those of us who do not, just ask. She thought she had beaten it, it only returned, over and over again. She fought a good fight and lived life to the fullest. She lost her battle with cancer on Tuesday morning. Her children and loving husband were there with her when she went home. I know the pain that they feel and the loss that they have endured.
My aunt will forever be in my heart. When my mom died, I would tell people I always knew I had a guardian angel, it is now that I know what she looks like. I now have another guardian angel and she is beautiful.
I love you Aunt Janet, I miss you and I will see you when it is my turn to come home.